I guess the worst thing

...was that I learned about it on the website...not getting the JUSFC grant, that is. The letter was en route from LFS, but I thought I'd check out the website to see if there was any news. They had posted the awardees, and the TC name was not on the list. I suppose I'm disappointed. But, not too much. It was a long shot anyway. The letter stated the reasons: funding restrictions and committment to other projects. I may apply again in the Spring with a lower budget.

As we know, one door closes and another one opens. I'm looking for that open door now. I've been repeating my new mantra "the rough is only mental." It helps.

Pre-occupied with finding a flat. We've decided that if Adam finds a place, we'll move back within two weeks instead of staying until the end of October. We're both hankering to get back to London and immerse ourselves in the thick of things.

40 years old, and I don't feel as if I've found the road yet. But, patience my dear. A lot of times we're on the road, and we don't even realize it. I have the stamina to take the long and winding road. Just keep cutting, keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other.

I'm concerned about going back to work at the film school. I love the job. I love the people. But, it takes time away from Tokyo Cowboys. So, I'll just have to get better at managing my energy. Write in the early mornings, Film School Job during the day, cut at night.

Finding the Good Poo

Praise the Lord! The patron is gonna come through! He promised to send us money next week. That's part of our problems solved.

Again, spent the day going over loads of footage while Patrick cut the Telephone English sequence with Dave and Cloudy. He's going to cut the BBQ party today. That's when Cloudy's BBQ set the roof on fire and the police and fire brigade came. He also burned to a crisp one of his prized surfboards. A little concerned about this sequence. There are some great shots particularly when one of the Japanese girls set her hair on fire letting off a bottle rocket and Cloudy shooting fire works out of one of his mate's butts. But the music was playing the whole time: Led Zeppelin and Rolling Stones. Can't afford those music rights (especially the Stones who are said to charge upwards of 1 million US dollars for a snippet of their music.

Extremely tired today. Worried about finding a flat. Worried about money. Worried that the film is going to be crap. But, that's just stupid. The film's gonna be great. But, it's all down to me now. The writing is what's going to tie it all together...create drama...make poetry. Haven't been able to write for days. But, that's not really true, either. I write every morning for an hour or two. And I write here. But, nothing for the film. I know this happens. I know that you write and write and you have nothing. Then, all of a sudden, you get pages and pages of good stuff. I've never had writer's block. I've have writer's diarrhea. It's finding the good poo in all the diarrhea that's the challenge for me.

Been working on goals. Thinking about my 5 year goals and my 10 year goals. One of my 10 year goals is to become an industry...like Martha Stewart or Elle Macpherson...employing family and friends alike...supporting them. I'll be 50 then.

Do Not Fear

Did loads of footage review yesterday. I asked Cloudy about why foreigners were so successful in Tokyo. It seems like everyone we meet is successful, I said. He said that there were more markets to exploit. I was thinking about this just the other day. What markets could I exploit in London. It was easy in Tokyo.

Spoke to Shirley at LFS yesterday. She said there was loads of work for me to do there, so I'm gonna get the PT job back when I go back to the UK. I am thankful for that. It will at least help us pay the rent.

Waiting for two investments to come through, and waiting for word from our Patron. If those and the deposit come back, we can make it to the end of January. If not...well, just don't want to really think about that. Just one break...if we could get this grant, we could be so finished by summer of next year. But, hope is waning. I have to be realistic. Had they awarded us the grant, we would have heard from them by now surely. And, if not from them then from our fiscal sponsor.

"There is nothing to fear but fear itself." Can't remember if it was Kennedy or Roosevelt who said that, and I'm too lazy to look it up. But, I've been contemplating that. Is the fear the thing which causes failure? Fear is the thing that can crush our dreams. Fear can make us do some really stupid things. And so I say to myself...DO NOT FEAR DANEETA. Or, turn fear into excitement. They have the same physical sensation...quickening of the heart, shortness of breath, the need to pee. Feel excited not fearful. And, I've got a new day ahead of me...a new day...Oh Brave New World!

Wheat and Chaff

Got one step closer to getting the deposit back from the landlord. That gets us one step closer to getting back to London. Money...I was obsessing about it yesterday. How did money become something as important as food or air? This stupid piece of colored paper. Yet, you won't last long without it. Look at the bums in the street and the starving kids in Africa.

Contacted 30 Real Estate agents today about flats in London. Both Patrick and I are dead set on moving back to Covent Garden/Holborn area. Our friends think we are insane, and I come up with all of these excuses about why we want to move back to Central: but lookit, in the end, it's our home. And, after being homeless for 2 months out in Swederland and losing my New Orleans home, I just want to be in my adopted home of central London. My other trump card, though, is that I'm lucky with flats. I always have been. I'm dreaming about a warehouse, but that might be going just a bit too far. Should I mention that I dreamed about my other two flats in London before I found them? Kind of spooky.

Looked through loads of footage again. Just trying to separate the wheat from the chaff. Patrick is cutting like mad. Here are the Cloudy sequences we've cut so far:

Cloudy at the Arcade
Mobile Montage
Teaching at the Handicapped School
Comedy Gig at the Fiddler
World Family Show
Private English Lesson with Balloon Kids

Still no word about the grant. Lesley says it hasn't even come to the film school yet. I'm trying to stay positive, but I'm a bit scared. If we don't get the grant, how will we continue? Do we just continue like we have been? Work at odd jobs until we save up enough money to have a 3 month stint somewhere to edit? At that rate, this thing...this monster...this effing beast will take another two or three years. I must find another way. I must finish this thing. I must!

The Plan

Strange dreams last night about looking for flats and trying to get my job back at LFS.

Went into town on Friday and spent the evening with Frederick and Jacob. They were nice and asked a lot about the project, but I somehow think that they just don't get us. I think it's the problem that most people have with what we do and was so succinctly expressed by my Mother's husband: "why don't you get a job?" By that, he meant a job that has a regular income where you pay into a social security scheme, etc. Yeah. A job. I've tried that a bazillion times. It's just not for me. I'm too stubborn, and I don't plan on changing.

Grocery shopping on Saturday, and Karin took us to the University so that I could use the broadband Internet connection to research grants and other ways to make money...namely publishing. When I was in Japan, I was publishing sometimes 5-6 times a month. I haven't done anything since then, and I am itching to do it. Poetry seems to be big these days...some publications are ONLY accepting poetry. So, I dusted off the old poetry bone and popped out a few. It's interesting how my poetry changes in tone as my life passes before my very eyes.

Get money to finish this f*cker. Where can I get money to finish Tokyo Cowboys? That's the question...the one big question. I need a plan...need a plan.

Gambaru

Joe and Sylvie are coming by today to pick mushrooms and then take us into town to stay with Karin for the night. I'm hoping to get a few hours of Internet research in as well...looking for grants...looking for money. I'm tired of looking for money. Why can't a butt load just drop into my lap so that I can get this thing finished.

Went through a butt load of footage. My head is a little frazzled from it all.

Patrick is looking forward to getting back to London. He's tired of the vagabond lifestyle. He wants to settle. I guess I do too. But, how? Our patron has promised to send money at the end of the month. That would sort out our return home. Sitting on pins and needles. Don't want to beg, don't want to mention it. Hoping that the patron will just do it. Just remember us.

My sleep was erratic last night. Even prayer would not help. It usually does as the source of my insomnia is generally worry. I was thinking about Tokyo and with what ease one can make money there. There is always a way to make money...at the very least, one can teach English for £50 and hour. I could make good money there doing little part time jobs...then save the bulk of my time for the non paid things that I love. Not so in London. In London, I struggle...we struggle. I must find a new word for "struggle." I'm trying to change all of this negative language to positive. Consider the Lilies of the filed...they shall not toil. We don't struggle, we persevere...we gambaru.

3 Dimensional Puzzle

Hopefully the JUSFC grant results will hit LFS today. At the very latest, next week. I don't want to think about what will happen if we don't get it. I don't have to have bad thoughts...satan get behind me. We started cutting Cloudy yesterday. I went through the first 20 or so tapes from the 3rd trip. It's like time-tripping in fast-mo. If I let myself go, I can almost imagine myself back there at that time, in that place. Looking for the true stories of the Tokyo Cowboys on the post-modern urban frontier. Why post-modern? It's a constructed city. It's a mixture of everything the world has to offer. It's like a collage...a mosaic. Look at it from above...from the 44th floor of the Shinjuku Municipal Building...it's like a 3 dimensional puzzle.

Here's the journey: I went to back to the post-modern urban frontier to find cowboys...to find if they had a monopoly on freedom as I had assumed. But all they wanted to do was cash out. And, this didn't seem like a freedom train to me. It seemed like doing time. So, I kept looking, kept digging. Where were the free cowboys? What is freedom? It seemed like Tokyo was the place to have it. As Cloudy says, there are markets in Tokyo that are not available in any other place. I found the guy who could cash out, and what does he do? He buys an old farmhouse in Chiba and does it up. That place looked like heaven to me.

I'm preoccupied with trying to get back to London. We've got some good work done here, but we have to leave by the end of October. Before we can leave, we have to find a flat. So, I've been e-hunting. That takes time...time...time.

Cloudy had been through the whole "Big in Japan" thing. He'd been on the 100 Gaijin Show. He'd done the music video. But something happened. "A lot of people think they have a cash cow with me...until they realize that I'm not gonna do anything I don't want to do." So, Cloudy refused to conform. He's now intent on making it "Big in Japan" one person at a time. He's an edu-tainer. He's a sort of diplomat...an unofficial one.

I guess that's what we all were. The Japanese allowed us in in that capacity. In the beginning it was only diplomats and English teachers...whole generations of Japanese people...the only foreigner they had met was their English teacher. In a weird way, it sets people up...it sets gaijin up as sensei...as teacher. In Japan that's a highly honorable profession. So, here's Cloudy...he has a teaching certificate (unlike most of the English teachers in Japan). And everything is about communication...one person at a time. He's trying to foster a greater level of understanding between gaijin and Japanese. The comedy is a more sophisticated form of communication. He's constantly communicating. He doesn't just sit down in the train. The hammock...Eric...the hair...those are just tools of the trade...the trade of communication. And the performance is a high as well.

Where does Cloudy come in to my quest for cowboys? What are cowboys for me? That's the first thing. When I started shooting, it was about freedom. I thought money bought freedom, so I was shooting the Head Hunters. Maybe it does buy freedom. But, if you've got some money, you just spend it. You get a taste of the good life and you want more...so you work harder, and you make more money, and you're working so hard that you think you deserve some comfort, so you spend some more and then you're no closer to your goal. Something's gotta give. That's the Head Hunters, though.

Maybe freedom is a state of mind. It's like Kanya said, it's in your head...freedom and slavery are in your head.

Eye of the Cloud

Hey Cloudy,

Sorry it's been a while since I've sent you a personal email.

You've been on my mind so much these past few days. I've been time tripping through the Tokyo Cowboys footage. The first night we filmed you was at the Fiddler. After, we got in a taxi with you and Kaori, and you talked about communicating your own brand of truth to one person at a time. The "America" thing was your crusade that night. You said, "In Japan, there are only two types of people in the world...Gaijin (read American) and Japanese. I refuse to be put in a box with all the other foreigners."

It got me thinking about the definition of Cowboy, which I must surely define in the film as people have their own definitions. A Cowboy for me is a person that takes great risks to develop and explore their individual mode of expression. And, then, they communicate to the world their own personal brand of truth.

Anyway, after we got back to your place and Billy was there and his date Makikiko or Michiko and the chubby blonde midwestern girl who'd done her set at Fiddler that night. And, being the professional that I am, I got so wasted that Kaori was saying "are you OK, are you OK?" as I was trying to leave, and you were yelling "leave her alone, she's fine," and that was my introduction to Cloudy B.

But there is an earlier bit that I just discovered while rolling through the footage again. We were at Club Asia in Shibuya shooting a TBL gig. It was small, and there were only about 15 young girl groupies and a handful of Gaijin. As we pan across the groupie crowd, you can see in the background a tiny Cloudy giving the camera the finger. This is before we met you. It was on that night that Patrick noticed you and, acting here in his producer mode, asked Dave "Who's that guy," and Dave said, "That's Cloudy B.," and Patrick said "Can we meet him?" And that's the true story about how things kicked off.

If we get that grant money, we are going to take you up on your offer to continue the edit at your place. So get our room ready. We'll need futons and a Japanese intern.

Hugs so much,

Daneeta

Publicity for TC in Kazuhisa's Book

Dear Kaz,

Thanks for the introduction to the magazine publisher. Yes, it's good to know people in Tokyo anyway...especially female creative types.

Actually, I'm not in London at the moment. I've been in Sweden for the past month and a half editing full time. One of our patrons gave us their summer house for three months. It's been great as we can edit without having to worry about paying rent. I think we will be here until the beginning of November when we will head back to London for a little while.

Yes, thanks for publicizing my film in your book! I googled Tokyo Cowboys the other day, and your website came up (http://www.kinjudo.com/shoseki_oishiku.htm).

Hugs,

Daneeta

The Orange Crane

I had a dream last night. I was my small child self, and I was sitting on the screened in porch of my Grandmother's house. I was trying to make one of those origami paper cranes out of a piece of beautiful orange paper.

My fingers just wouldn't work. Then a voice said "Put that in my hands." And I saw this huge disembodied hand in front of me. I put the paper in the hand and looked toward the source of it, but all I could see was a massive lower half of a body. It reminded me of the bottom half of the Lincoln monument, but only he was wearing blue jeans.

And the orange paper blurred a little like when you are looking at a million leaves on a tree, and they all sort of blend together in a weird mosaic. That's what happened to the paper. And then, there was a crane. The hand urged me to take the crane, which I did. Only, when it was in my hand, it was the crumpled up paper again. I looked at the big empty hand and then at mine. The crumpled up paper started to morph again, and it became the crane.

So, I got up this morning to see if I remembered how to make the crane. And, I did...after all these years. I guess it just goes to show me that the Muse is there even when we forget about Her.

It got me to thinking about "Up from Eden" by Ken Wilbur. In it, he talks about a time in human history when we could not tell the difference between dreams and reality...literally. That must have been weird.

Breaking the Pony

Did some more work on the stream of consciousness voice over. Read it to Patrick, and he said I should delete all references to making a film lest this film become a film about making a film, and that's about as self-indulgent as you can get. No, it's about searching for the cowboys.

I had a dream last night that I needed to escape from the place I was in. But, my only means of escape was on this pony that was kicking wildly in the middle of the room. I knew I'd have to break the pony to escape. So, I hopped on and kept getting thrown off. Then, an old Japanese dude appeared and told me that I had forgotten to do something very important and that not having done this thing in the order that it needed to be done was preventing me from breaking the pony. "You won't break the pony today," he said.

Now, I know it was only a dream, but what have I forgotten to do? And, when the hell am I going to break this effing pony?

Universal Significance

Bergman finds the "universal significance in private agonies." Last day editing Mark, and I'm glad. I need a break from it. It's too personal, there's too much baggage, and I'm trying so hard to be objective that I'm losing sight of everything.

Cutting Mark has been hard on the both of us, and I'm glad this is the last day...for now. Because I still don't have him. There's something missing. We've cut the following sequences with him:

Introduction to Mark at his old office including interaction with Nick and Todd
Mark and Kanya having dinner at Yamada-san's
Mark at the Craft Dinner
Kanya singing at 7 Seas Marina
Mark at the New OfficeóHe makes a Placement
Mark Exercising, getting ready for work and Eating Kanya's home-prepared Breakfast

Patrick has asked to cut Cloudy next. He says he needs a break...that he's burned out. He thinks that Cloudy will be easier as he is always moving...always dynamic. And, if he has a dark side, we never saw it.

Making Money

Was just thinking about ways to get money to support myself while I finish the film. This whole thing has been funded piecemeal. If I get the grant, we'll be sorted for the rest of the film. If not, we're going to struggle. So, how to support myself...these are the ideas I came up with:



Publish Tokyo Cowboys Memoirs

Get Grant Money for TC

Get Grant Money for Website Development (TC and Elektrik Zoo)

Sell Writing

Go Back to Work at LFS

Temp

Consult (Japan Based Stuff; Business Process Engineering)

Teach

Rent out the Camera

Edit Student Papers for Grammar and Structure

Work in any Capacity on Films

Google Money

Sell Secrets on E-Bay

Shoot Wedding/Birthday Videos

Edit Documents Written by ESL People

Enter Films in Festivals with Cash Prizes

Show Japanese People Around London

Write Grant Proposals for Others

Website Design and Consulting

Do Software Training

Tokyo's Cowboy Lovers

After getting severely depressed in thinking that I was being lazy and not getting enough done in a day, I decided to do something about it. I'm trying something new with my "to do" list...a new process. I'm assigning units of time to everything. When I looked over the previous week's to do lists, I realized that I was scheduling in excess of 18 hours of work a day. That's a bit excessive. So, I decided to start with a 10 hour work day. Then, I wrote down all of the things I wanted to accomplish in that day and prioritized them. Then I assigned times to those tasks. Anything over 10 hours would be relegated to the next day. I think it's working. I don't feel so lazy anymore when all of the items on my day's to do list are ticked off.

Yesterday, I did mostly producer stuff. I sent off the investor contracts to someone who is interested in one share. She also requested that I send her the funding pack and she'll forward it on to some friends. So, I spent a few hours updating the pack. She's a good friend of mine, so she's also sending me some new socks.

I got word back from some people in Japan I had contacted regarding getting the TC story published (a la the Guerilla diaries of Pi director Darren Aronovsky). They were encouraging, and there were few hot leads, which I will follow up in the next few days.

Going into Orebro this weekend to do some research on the broadband connection at Orebro University. There I can research getting funding for the website.

Work becomes your life in Japan. Your life is work...there is no difference. There are hobbies...the Japanese take hobbies seriously. They only do one hobby and the get all the gear and the spare no expense. There's a word in Japanese...Otaku...and it means something like mad obsessive. And they use it to describe people who become completely obsessed with their hobby.

Mark is Tokyo's unfaithful lover.
Cloudy shows her a whopping good time.
Dave was her puppy love.
She is Brent's fag hag.
Ken is her husband.
Patrick is her pretty-boy idol.
Mark Segerlund is her lifetime companion.

Experimenting with Voice Over

I'm thinking of constructing the film around the postcard voice over and moving more or less chronologically. Also, having a bit more fragmentation. Something like this only...I don't know. It's just an idea...a draft of sorts.

Tokyo is the kind of city that you can find anything you can imagine and a lot of things you can't. I knew some guys there. They were making a lot of cash...buying a lot of toys...one of the original bits of voice over I did for a trailer went something like "riding on shinny metal horses and slinging cash to the wind." Cowboys, you know. But, Tokyo...I never thought I'd go back there...she's beaten my ass before. Who's to say that she wouldn't do it again. So I go there and I start shooting these guys, and they're all the same, they're all head hunters and they're all working this mind-numbing job that they wouldn't be doing if it didn't provide them with loads of cash so that they could go out and drink and chase women all night. And I can't even shoot them at work because they're so effing paranoid of what, I don't know, and all they want me to do is shoot them when they're so drunk that they don't remember what they say on camera and then they get all paranoid again.

They are not cooperating and I'm sure that part of it is that I can't explain to them exactly what I'm doing because I'm so green that I don't know exactly what I'm doing but I know these guys and I know the city and she's effing beating me up again. They think that making a film is like making a home video so they make monkey shines in front of the camera, and I can't get them to take anything seriously. Sixty hours of footage and I've got nothing.

Dear Mr. Marker,

Sixty hours of footage, and I've got nothing.

I'm shooting my ex-husband Mark and his girlfriend, and I know that he's doing this because he wants to support me in my new life and all, but it's all complicated and he hasn't thought about the consequences of what will happen if he's completely honest on camera and I know I can make him be honest on camera and this becomes a big problem for him later when he spills all the beans. And his girlfriend hates me and she just wants me and my effing camera to go away, and I totally understand that, but I'm trying to make a film here, and Mark has agreed so what the heck am I supposed to do?

I'm shooting Bryan, and Jason and Steve, and Steve is brilliant, but he freaks out and I was too green to know that I should have gotten him to sign the release form before I shot the 20 or so hours of footage with him.

Mark says I should talk to Ken. He's getting out of the business. He wants to be a talent on TV. I'm not sure how to explain what a talent does...just that they appear on TV and a lot of Japanese people would recognize them on the street. So, what the heck, I'm supposed to be doing this film about cowboys, which I thought were business men, but I'll go see Ken because he's kind of still in the business, so I'm not getting too far away from it, but I've forgotten what "it" is. I'm looking for cowboys on this post modern urban frontier, but what does that mean? And Why? And who's gonna care?

Spot the Cowboy

This pic was sent in by Mark's best friend from childhood. The two of them recently went sailing in San Fran.

Send in your pics of the Cowboys, and I'll post them.

Losing Faith

Patrick is losing faith in Mark as a character. He thinks there's no arc. He thinks we're being self-indulgent in using Mark as a character. Sure he's interesting to us. He's interesting to those who know him. But to people who don't know him...Patrick thinks they won't give a flip about it.

I am of a different mind. I think that Mark represents something important. He's achieved more than most. He's got a successful company, a beautiful wife, friends, lots of things. But he is not fulfilled. He looks forward to an unimagined future...a future that looks quite different from his present. And because he can't paint a clear picture of this future that he wants, he is trapped in the present, "which is fine, you know, but..."

So, what does he represent? He's come to the post-modern urban frontier to make his fortune. He has reinvented himself. But, he longs to reinvent himself again. And, for this, he needs cash...4 million, to be exact. But, what exactly will that buy him? He doesn't know. He hasn't imagined that far.

Postcard

Dear Ken:

Children give breathing legacy to a relationship. Without them, it dies in old age with no one to remember it. Children are a way for us to control our destiny...to ensure that we go riding into the sunrise forever.

A Swifter Birth

The JUSFC grants committee makes it's decision today. I won't know anything until the end of next week at the earliest. I'm trying not to put too much weight on this, but I know that if I get this grant, it will mean a swifter birth of a finished Tokyo Cowboys. I don't want to think about the plans B though Z until I know what the deal is with plan A. Still waiting for my deposit back on the London flat. Still hoping that those who have pledged to buy shares will hold their resolve. Still hoping that our patron comes through at the end of the month. What happens if all of these things comes to fruition? Then we are sorted! Sorted! Sorted for months and months and months...maybe for even a year! But, if none of them bear out, there will be another way...another path. This film will see the light of day no matter what. And I must remind myself that I am in God's hands always.

Muse with Coffee

It's a fascinating process...like sewing a giant, beautiful tapestry. Each day, I see it take shape...I can see the different facits...beautiful details that weren't there just yesterday...secrets revealed to me. And everyday I get closer to seeing the whole...the whole that will be worth more than the sum of it's parts, and each part is priceless. Smaller and smaller pieces, so delicate, so intricate, so subtle. I'm putting myself in the hands of the Muse. She shows up every morning with a cup of coffee in one hand and my pen and ink in the other and says "Get up! Today you write." I'm grateful for my Muse who has been with me for as long as my memory stretches back.

Sequence

"Mark at work at the Old Ingenium Office."

A sequence is a "subset of the overall action." Scenes can contain reversals... "scenes are strongest when they begin at one emotional or informational point and end at another...each scene has a beginning, middle and end." What is my beginning, middle and end? The series of events? Mark working alone, Mark working with Todd, working with Nick, Japanese class, Mark and Nick at El Torito...how can we construct the scene? What information do I want to convey?

Enough for today. Karin has come with my ink, and it's time for us to do our weekly shopping.

Throw your Heart over the Bar

Patrick asks if I'm gonna have a breakdown if I don't get the grant. He wants to be prepared. I tell him I have a plan B...a plan C...even a plan Z. I have been working on alternative plans, but I'd still like to believe that I might just get the grant. It's gonna be pretty embarrassing here and in the TC update if I don't get it.

A few days ago I applied for Brit Docs funding. That again is just a long shot, but it's like the lottery. If you don't apply, you can't win, so you might as well apply.

A few weeks ago, there was an article in the Guradian about patrons of the arts. I started to research them as well. I'm sure that every artist and their grandmother have tried to contact these people, but it got me to thinking about researching other patrons.

It seems like I spend more time researching funding, writing proposals for funding, begging for funding, etc. than I do making films. But, I guess that's part of making films, so I might as well embrace it and be as creative as I can with it. Still, I wish I had a producer who was interested in this sort of thing. I am interested in it and have some good ideas about where to get funding, but it's just all of the work to put those ideas into action. That's what I'm having trouble balancing with the other aspects of filmmaking. It's all about balancing on the tiniest of high wires. But, throw your heart over the bar, and your body will follow.

Yesterday I looked at the footage of Mark at the office during the first trip. I was trying to think about telling a story. I think this scene has a lot of exposition in it. And...well, I'm thinking that it's a challenge with all the scenes. Here we set up Mark as a businessman...we set up his relationship with Nick and Todd, we set up that he is a "proselytizer of decadence." We set up that he does a lot of admin work in his role as CEO. We set you that he struggles with the language. It's all set up and no drama. Is that OK? I guess it's OK if we get into the drama soon after. But where is the drama?

I think I should just focus on getting all of the sequences together. Bernard says "character-driven means that the action of the film emerges from the wants and needs of the character." When Mark is in front of the camera, he wants to be the center of attention. He wants to tell the best and most interesting story.

Postcard

Dear Mark,

What is your passion? What is your passion? What is your passion? What is it? What is it? What the f*ck is it?

Hugs,

Daneeta

Fall

The weather is trying hard to turn to Autumn. I woke up in the early morning hours and couldn't go back to sleep again. Maybe it was the weather. I looked in the mirror and saw that my hair is almost down to my waist. When I started Tokyo Cowboys my hair was as short as a boy's. That tells me how long this film has been in my life.

Watched "Apocalypse Now!" last night. I was struck by that scene near the beginning of Martin Sheen drunk in his hotel room. It ends with him punching at himself in the mirror and cutting his hand. Then, he sits down naked and cries. Martin Sheen was really drunk. They got him liquored up and then turned on the camera. The frustration and confusion we are seeing are Sheen's frustration and confusion...not the character's. He had a heart attack soon after that, and they had to put the film on hold while he recovered. I bring up this story because it reminds me of Mark. I shot an Apocalypse Now! scene with him. And, I just don't know what to do with it.

Postcard

Dear Mark:

It's your faults that make you charming, interesting vulnerable...your tragic flaws. But men don't want their flaws revealed. Only those men filled with hubris or humility will agree to a public airing of their souls. Would you be either one of those?

Mark and Kanya

I had this idea yesterday to focus a little more on Mark and Kanya's relationship. I found this bit of conversation we taped when they were having dinner at Momonoki House. It was quite tender, and it's one of the only times that they are candid. They have forgotten about the camera. That was a good breakthrough. I have to review the footage of them together to see if we have enough.

The thing is to just cut all of the sequences with him to see what we have. Sometimes things can look really good in the paper cut, and look shitty on screen. And, sometimes quite the opposite happens. We think something is not really worth cutting, but we cut it anyway and it ends up being really good. We won't have time to cut every sequence before we leave Sweden. I'm just trying to cut the "A" stuff and we'll have to do the rest later...later...when is that. When will this beast be cut?

Mark as a contrast to Ken...don't lose sight of this.

Postcard

Dear Mark:

You are the one that I can be the least objective about. I've known you half my life, and we rode into the rising sun together. You've achieved all you set out to and more, but I see your wanting. Where is y our freedom? What is your passion? You are Tokyo's unfaithful lover. You look beyond the rising sun for your answers, but this is as far as you've imagined.

TC Announces the Birth of a New Cowboy

Dear Friends and Family,

We announce with great joy the arrival of Leon Sky Cogger born 4:50 AM September 9, 2005. Weighing in at a healthy 3,200 grams. Both baby and mommy are resting and doing great.

Ken Cogger

Patrick in front of Kulkil

In Front of the Pond

Daneeta after a particularly good day of cutting

Daneeta pretending to pick Blueberries

Kulkil in Rockhammar

Lunchtime

Patrick at the Rockhammar Tennis Court

Patrick (Self Portrait)

JUSFC

At the end of this week the JUSFC will make their decision on the grant. They will notify us by mail, so I've got Lesley waiting at the Film School to forward the letter to me. I won't be so cruel to ask her to open it and read it to me over the phone. But, the letter will go first to the film school, then to Karin's house, then here. So, I reckon it will take a week or two to get into my hands. After that, we can make some clear decisions about what's going to happen with the film. It would be great if I could just win the lottery. But, I suppose I'd have to play to win.

How can I illustrate the tedium of Mark's work without making it actually tedious to watch? So many phone calls-they are on the phone constantly. How do they do it?

I woke up with a terrible headache today. There's no pain killer here, so I had to suffer through for 4 hours. I guess it's what people in the olden times had to do. Or, as Vonda reminds me, what pregnant women have to do. Patrick says it's because I'm exhausted, but sometimes I don't feel like I'm working hard enough. "If I just worked harder," I say to myself, "things would become clear." But, that's not really true. I have to work smarter.

Tokyo Cowboys is a modern day Western set on the post-modern urban frontier...following a group of Western men as they search for freedom of expression...as they reinvent themselves...what was my other definition of "frontier"? The limit of knowledge and achievement. That's it...yes. They are pushing themselves to the limits of achievement. Why? Because opportunity is all around them. Success stories are all around them. They see endless possibilities. So this makes them work harder because anything is possible...they've seen people achieve the impossible. It keeps the cowboys spirit alive no matter the adversity. I've been wondering what keeps them there, and this is it...unlimited possibilities...endless opportunity.

Isseki, ni chou-literally translated as one stone, two birds...meaning to kill two birds with one stone. Don't know why I thought of that.

Cutting Mark

We started cutting Mark today. Because of my long relationship with him, it's really difficult to be objective. I try to break it down, pick him apart, but it's all so confusing. If I were to give him a name, he would be a "disciplined hedonist" if there is such a thing. He's definitely a hedonist, but he has this disciplined quality about him from the Marine Corps. Just trying to work out his story arc is proving to be challenging. It's going to take a bit of precision.

Day Off

Took the day off. Karin and Goren came to Rockhammar to drive us into town to shop for food. We had a relaxing time torturing Karin, as you can see here.

These pics were taken on my mobile phone. We used the phone when we shot "Daybreak" (working title). It got damaged in the rain storm shot, so it looks like there's a soft filter on everything. I kind of like it.

Postcard

Dear Tokyo:

I want you to know that I'm no expert. That's not what I'm telling people. I'm just going with my gut...just trying to figure out some things. I see things...pieces of the puzzle. But I'm not so vain to think that I can put the whole thing together and make some sense out of it. There is no sense to be made. There are only stories to tell. Take from them what you want. You can only ride one of those bullet trains into the rising sun and hope for the best. I hope that you are in a good mood today.

Postcard

Dear Tokyo:

Gaijin always talk about rules...there are too many rules. But I believe that you have to know the rules so that you can break them creatively. That's when the fun begins. That's where the freedom comes from. If you creatively and gently break the rules, you can affect change...good change. The key is to not get too big for your britches. I see Gaijin filled with hubris. It's best to do things gently.

Postcard

Dear Tokyo:

It has been two years since I've breathed you in. I want to touch you, smell you, eat you. I recognize every little thing about you...and no thing. The surface is always shifting...a city of illusions, smoke and mirrors.

Coming back here is like falling back into a dream...it's utterly familiar, yet everything concrete slips through my fingers like water, like light.

Did you pine for me? Did you think about me everyday I was away? Are you happy to have me back?

Postcard

Dear Ken:

I just can't figure out what you want. Every time I talk to you, your story changes. Man, are you so inconsistent? Or, is this maybe the process? Am I witnessing your process of reinvention?

Do you believe in universal truth with a capital ìTî? I don't think you do. So you have to find your own truths. You have to write your own story. And I will bear witness to your story. Can you maybe even let me participate? Will you let me push you? Will you let me go with you at least for a little while?

I hope this story has a happy ending.

Story Truths

All personal blogging has been moving over to my personal blog at www.storytruths.blogspot.com.

Thanks

Sequences so Far

Patrick is still cutting furiously. He decided to work through the weekend. I've re-done the schedule to give us a few more days to cut Ken's sequences. We have the most sequences with him, and they are all just so fantastic. Ken really has that ineffable thing on camera. Here are the sequences we've cut so far:

Ken's prepares for an Audition
Aki's Announcer Class
Ken and Aki Head Hunting from Home
Ken and Aki sing Karaoke
Ken lifts weights and fields Head Hunting calls

Ken and Aki do a home Lamaze Class
Ken works the phones at Guest House (wedding sales company)
Ken marries a J-Couple
Ken and Aki have dinner with Sachi and Pappa at an Izakaya
Ken gets a hair cut, and Sachi and Aki prepare him for another audition
Ken and Aki with Aki's family in Takasaki
Ken Records a Demo Tape
Ken and Aki Bathe Taiga
Ken Quits Head Hunting (Bridge Group)
Ken shops for Aki's Christmas Present
Ken Performs "Christmas Mass"
O-Shougatsu in Takasaki
Sumo with the Coggers
Ken and Aki look for a New Flat

Reading Sheila Curran Bernard's "Documentary Storytelling for Video and Filmmakers." It's giving me some really good support. "in pursuing a goal, the protagonist learns valuable lessons about themselves and their place in the world, and those lessons change them and may, in fact, change their desire for the goal."

We definitely see Ken learning these lessons and changing because of those lessons. The most important lesson he learns, I believe, is that his family is the most important thing to him. He would sacrifice everything for the well-being of his family and for the creation of a healthy, happy family.

In my journal this morning, I was writing about how people like to impose their beliefs on other people. They think they have the "best way." But there is no best way. There are no universal truths...only those we construct for ourselves...only our mini-narratives. Our film doesn't present THE TRUTH because there is none. Only you can create your own truths. And they are just for you. That's what the Cowboys do. What Ken does is not going to work for Dave or Mark or Cloudy.

Also, people go on about how Japanese society is all about conforming. "The nail that sticks up gets hammered down." But there is something about Tokyo...this uber-city of conformity...it is here that Gaijin find freedom of expression. There are so many ways...even for the Japanese...look at the Tokyo Rockabilly Club, the Ko-Galu in Shibuya, the Goths in Harajuku, the Salarymen and women. Something about a sense of belonging. There is an innate sense of belonging to the city. You belong to her...no matter what you do. You are hers, and, in return, she gives you freedom and to express. She gives you opportunity. She invites you into her orgy of creation. That's why you can't ever get her out of your system.

I was transcribing an interview with Nice Guyjin. I asked if they ever think about leaving. "Every day," says Dave. Since leaving Tokyo in 2000, I have thought about going back nearly every day. There was not a day that went by that I didn't think of her, long for her...sometimes I feel like a forlorn lover.

Today, Patrick said "if we get the grant, we'll go back. And this time we'll stay for as long as they'll let us." That's three months. Why not? Why not edit in Tokyo? I could spend three months editing there. All we need is that effing grant. We'll know in two weeks. They make their decision on the 16th then mail out the future of our project.

Dear Marc

I am interested in mini-narratives and that's why I've chosen to do a multi-character piece, which centers around the idea of men (cowboys) escaping from their traditional modes of being and constructing new modes of being on a new frontier-a post-modern urban frontier.

Cowboys-risk takers; men who are not afraid to uproot themselves and head for parts unknown; men who long for freedom from existing constructs

Traditional Modes of Being-Judeo/Christian; Western; puritan; religious; individualistic; being the "center"

New Modes of Being-Reinvention; being the "other"; East/West mix (blurring the boundaries between);

Post-modern urban frontier-no center (marginalization); anything goes; complex infrastructure in place; complex and ancient culture; all things available

Tokyo is a unique frontier because it is an intellectual one rather than a physical one. Other frontiers like the American West, Antarctica, Space (for example) are physically hard. There is nothing there. It's dangerous and arduous. It is a unique urban frontier because literally anything is available: culture, entertainment, food, activities, drugs...anything.

The third definition of "frontier" is "the limit of knowledge and achievement." You can do, have or be anything you choose, yet the city is tolerant, safe, clean, civilized-contrast this to NYC or Bangkok. It's also complex (like a puzzle that needs to be figured out intellectually...like the language, which is also like a puzzle...extremely logical). You can reinvent yourself over and over again. You can call yourself anything and be believed (just put it on your business card). It's civilized, yet it is the frontier. It is the post-modern urban frontier...post-modern because you can construct your own little realities...your own mini-narratives...your own truths...like some kind of video game. You can invent your own past, construct a new you.

This film is about men who escape the chains of their own culture to gain freedom in a new construct-one of their own creation. Profoundly alienated from their traditional mythos, they go riding into the postmodern urban frontier where they can construct their own reality. It's about how they define freedom, how they manifest it, what they are willing to sacrifice for it and the success and failure they encounter along the way.

I went looking for modes of individual freedom of expression on the post-modern urban frontier. What I found were mini-narratives...cowboy narratives. This is the journey. But, I am not just presenting these narratives objectively for the consideration of and judgement by the audience. I am inviting them to go with me on the journey with an open mind and to discover what makes sense to them. I am trying to discover mini-truths like little nuggets of gold. Some nuggets are good for me, some are good for you.

Something about illusion...something about what you want is always right in front of you...something about how freedom requires sacrifice...living your dream requires sacrifice and we usually don't take that into account when we're just dreaming it as opposed to living it. Something about how you can become a slave to your dream until it becomes a prison. All of these themes become clear as we move through the lives of these cowboys.

More later about character.

Cutting

Patrick is still cutting about a sequence a day. I have to start skipping sequences. We’re supposed to finish with Ken by Friday, and there are 17 sequences left to cut.

Postcard

The Headhunters are really flash. They have nice cars. They have leather shoes. They are good with the ladies. Most people would say that they have it going. Do they? I investigate further. The work enslaves them with promises of one more big deal, a few more million yen. And the pressure and the monotony and the sheer boredom of making 50 to 100 phone calls a day trying to find the guy, trying to find the guy, trying to close the deal. They tell me it’s the bomb, but I see it drive them into the bars of Roppongi most every night. It drives them to drug and drink fueled conquests of girl after girl. The noise, the bars, the toys, the girls, the drink…This is not freedom, is it? But it is…it is their brand of freedom. And I have to remember that it’s not my definition of freedom I’m looking for. And there is no such thing as THE definition of freedom. There are as many as there are people.

Postcard

We took that long bus from Narita into central Tokyo…into Shinjuku. I haven’t been here in 2 years, but it feels like yesterday…like I’ve fallen back into a recurring dream. Every building, every electric wire calls to me: “You are home” they say. “Okaeri” they say. Now that I’m here, I’m not quite sure why I came back. Something about freedom, something about dreams, something about this place that’s like an illusion. I’ll figure it out. My plan is to start with the headhunters. They know everybody in this town…Japanese and Gaijin alike. They can tell me a thing or two.

Grand Narrative vs. mini-narrative

I’m thinking about “grand narrative”…something that Marc asked about. I’m interested in mini-narratives all centered around the themes of freedom, new frontier, escape...escape to the new frontier provides freedom from 1) cultural constructs…they are not bound by their own culture because it is so far away…they don’t have to play by the rules of their adopted culture. They are not expected to. 2) traditional modes of being…freedom from judgement by family, friends, society. You can pretty much do what you want within certain contraints, and even those are a bit flexible…don’t get caught, don’t involve the police, don’t make a public spectacle of yourself outside of Roppongi. There is a great deal of freedom there. But what makes Tokyo unique? Tolerant culture, ease at which you can live, reinvention.

Getting messy now. Need to think about his more and write my response to Marc.

Mom called. The wole of NOLA is being evacuated. Katrina is scheduled to hit tonorrow. The evacuation is mandetory. Mom is heading up to Alexandria with the old lady. My sister is going to Texarkana.

Watched the documentary on Bukawski on TV. The drive. And he was so prolific. He never thought he could make money off his writing. He never thought he’d be successful. But he just kept writing. He just kept sending his stuff out. That’s some kind of inspiration. Forget Van Gogh, I think he will be my new role model (sans the drinking as my little body just can’t handle that kind of abuse). But, he wrote about his life. He brought poetry back where it belonged…in the hands of the people. He said that he couldn't imagine a day without writing. It put fear into his heart. I know how he feels. I only write in the journals every day. A poem will pop out here and there. I guess it’s some kind of commitment.

What am I trying to say? Something about following your dreams. Something about sacrifice. Something about dreams and illusion and constructing your own reality. Still trying to scratch it out of my head. Tokyo is the post-modern urban frontier. A place to fulfill all of your dreams. The land of opportunity. A magical, mystical place that can solve all of your problems and give you things that you’ve only dreamed of. It can give you a different life. OK, they get there, they find this life…and maybe…no…so they’ve achieved their dreams for the most part…they are on their way. But, it’s all an illusion. Why? It’s the old “be careful what you wish for…” scenario.

Just get the story down, and everything else will follow.

I’m talking about fulfilling your dreams. What am I trying to say? I went on this journey to find a manifestation of personal freedom. I had this idea that these guys were free. I wanted to explore that. I wanted to feel the freedom…show it. So I had this idea that these guys, these headhunters were free. It was a journey to define freedom. OK, I went to Japan, I started shooting these guys whom I thought were free. Why? Because they were running rampant around the city. They were slinging cash, they were buying toys. But what did I discover? They weren’t free. They were slaves to their jobs, they were slaves to the money and the toys. But Ken…Ken…he gave it all up.

Did I go searching for the formula for personal freedom? But there is not one definition, hence the mini-narratives. I went to the post-modern urban frontier to look for freedom. What did I find? This is what I found. Many, many stories.

Information Overload

Got a good response from Marc. He asked all the right questions. More of my response once I get it down.

Trying to take a break from the transcriptions over the weekend. Doing those everyday is a bit like information overload. It’s good to take a step back and process them a bit. Transcribing is only the first step. Then there’s choosing what to capture, capturing then cutting them up. After that, I’ve got to figure out how to fit them into the whole thing. I guess I’m just assembling the puzzle pieces. That’s the first part of editing. I shouldn’t worry too much about the big picture just yet.

The Blank Pages in My Dictionary

Was walking through the forest with Patrick yesterday and we got on to the idea of letters/postcards for the voice over...the narrator voice over. We talked about post cards during the 2nd trip to Tokyo, and I've had it in the back of my mind, but I brought this idea to the forefront. I think I'm being influenced by "The Oxford Book of Letters," which is one of the books we have with us. It's funny how your subconscious will give you some big hints sometimes. Of all the books in Joe's library, I chose that one when we visited him for my birthday. I don't know why I chose it, it just called out to me.

Anyway...I haven't figured out the "voice" yet. Of course, it's the storyteller's voice, but I haven't figured out who that character is. Yes, it's me, but it's a fictionalized me...oh, you know what I mean.

Who is she writing to? (To whom is she writing?) In Sans Soleil, it's the receiver who is describing the letters. That's a bit different from actually reading the letters. But maybe this idea of writing to different people. And those are all the different voices. I was toying with the idea of using very different voices with different accents...male, female, young old. Maybe they are people who have left Japan...people the storyteller once knew in Japan. Of course, this is all fiction...a literary device. You didn't think this was a documentary, did you? But, I think that's it. They were people the storyteller knew in Japan. And this becomes clear with the postcard content. Yes, postcards instead of letters. Postcards are fragmented, dreamy, filled with fanciful thoughts. At least my post cards are.

"We just made it for the very end of cherry blossom season...Spring, rebirth...delicate pink blossoms lasting for only two weeks or so. And we sit under them and drink sake and celebrate the ephemeral nature of life. Then the winds come and blow them away stirring up such a storm of pink that you can hardly see. The Christians are also celebrating and Cloudy Bongwater was there with us in tow. We went to an old-fashioned Baptist revival in the Aoyama University Hall...7-hours long...hundreds of people singing, praying and testifying that he has risen. Even J-people witnessed. I thought it was surreal and a little bit sad. Why had they given up the pink storm for this artifice? And, to the Christians, what would Jesus do? I think he'd be down at the Bochi drinking sake with the J-people."

Can you believe that pages 21 and 24 are blank in my pocket dictionary? And Karin has brought 3 big bags of home made buns. How can I be expected to work under these effing circumstances?

Talking to Angels

Spoke to my mom last night. She listened to my editing blues and offered support. She was distracted, though. Hurricane Katrina is headed straight for New Orleans. She’s worried about getting out. She’s worried about getting my sister out, about getting the old lady out. The old lady is bed-ridden and she’s talking to angels.

I’m not confident that we’ll get to first cut before we leave Sweden. I must accept that it takes as long as it takes. Patrick is cutting one, maybe two sequences a day. That’s fast considering all of the material he has to wade through. I will have to start prioritizing.

Call for Help

Hey Marc,

Thanks for sending me your email address. We came out to Sweden about three weeks ago to get away from the distractions of London. It's working, but the film is with us all the time as we are living out in a cottage in a village of 300 residents.

I think I might have told you that Tokyo Cowboys does not have a strong narrative. I was more interested in themes and characters, and I know I made the right decision. But, I am really struggling with the structure that would normally be dictated by the narrative.

I remember you telling me that the first thing to do was to cut the character arcs each on their own time line (it's a multi-character piece). That is how we started off, and we are about half way through with the first characteróthe one of which we shot the most footage.

While Patrick's cutting these arcs, I'm going through the interviews trying to pick out what I call "the cowboy poetry." I strongly believe that poetry is inherent in all language, and I hope that, having been a working poet these last 18 years, I can pull it out. So, I put it on a time-line and cut it up. Then I place that cowboy poetry over visuals of Tokyo. These visuals are not the standard Tokyo fare, but some strange little specific thing we shot

the statues of children with red beanie hats at shrines that evoke the memory of aborted fetuses

a homeless man trying to sweep up cigarette butts in the crowded youth districtóa million feet smack his broom, but he keeps on sweeping

sake barrels with kanji advertising on themóto the western eye, they are quite beautiful and exotic, but to a Japanese eye, they are just as mundane as a text only classified ad in the back of a magazine

I'm interested in making a mosaic...a collage...a multi-layered piece. But it seems really schizophrenic at the moment, and I'm beginning to doubt myself. Is this going to be some stupid experimental documentary that nobody but me will understand? That is not what I want to do. I do want to infuse it with the linguistic and visual poetry that I know is evident in what we shot. But, I want the film to appeal to a wide audience. Specifically, I want it to appeal to three major segments. 1) Those people who have some experience with Japan (either having lived there or some other connection), 2) Japanese people and 3) people who don't have any experience with Japan, but who would be attracted to the themes of freedom, the new frontier, constructing ones own reality, etc.

Having been formerly trained as a postmodernist in graduate school, there is a very strong post-modern element to the film as well. I'm not so interested in objective storytelling. Actually, I think there is no such thing as that. The story is always imprinted by the storyteller and her experience. It is filtered through that experience. I'm taking it a step further by consciously and openly constructing the story...perhaps even blurring some boundaries between fiction and "reality."

I'm also interested in the episodic, the fragmented and the small personal truths espoused by the cowboys. But, this is all theory, and I don't want to get too much talking about that lest I lose site of the film and just do some philosophical essay.

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to describe my headspace at the moment. I wanted to also ask you about the process that you went through. You see, right now, I feel like I can't see the whole. I can only see pieces. And I'm not sure how or if those pieces fit together. It really cuts into my self-confidence. But, if I know that's part of the process, then I can relax a bit.

I hope your projects are going well. If you feel so inclined, I'd like to hear how things are going for you as well...how things are progressing.

Talk to you soon,

Daneeta

Finding the Right Words

August 24

I'm getting frustrated over how slow things are going. I know they are not really going slowly, but that's how it feels. We're cutting about a sequence a day. That's pretty good. But still, we're only half way through Ken, and he's only the first Cowboy to cut. Maybe it's just because I really can't see the big picture yet. I have to remind myself that this is all part of the process. I have to go through this to get to the other side.

I can't see it yet. I can't see the finished film. I have these vague notions of what it is...poetic, collage, mosaic, layered, epistolary...
but those words give me nothing really. There's the basic character arc, the "cowboy poetry," the voice over, the Japanese bit, music, visual poetry, narrative. I just have to patient. I'm sure it will come to me.

We've set a rough schedule. I thought we were going to get to some kind of first cut during our time in Sweden, but it looks like it will just be an assembly of the character arcs and maybe intercut with some of the "cowboy poetry."

I went on with some bulls#%t to Fred's girlfriend the other drunken night about bringing the poetry back to the masses...me...as if I could "justify the ways of God to man" in some kind of visual epic poem called "The True Stories of the Tokyo Cowboys." Epic poem: "of or resembling a long poem in which great achievements of a hero are narrated in elevated style." That's not quite it. I told Patrick I was worried because nothing really happens in my film. I guess "Lost in Translation" was sort of like that. "It's thematic," he said...European, maybe. But, look, is this gonna fly? Will people want to watch a film where nothing really happens? Must be mindful about the audience. The thing to do is keep pushing forward. That's the only thing to do.

I'm just going to write this weekend...look through some footage and write...leave off the transcriptions for the weekend.

Episodic...epistolary...I keep trying to describe it with words, but maybe it's time to let the words go. It is what it is, and that's it. Collage: "a work of art made by pasting various materials on a surface." Tokyo is the surface...and the various materials? Cowboy poetry, cowboys narrative, music, storytelling voice over...mosaic: "a picture or decoration made of small usually colored inlaid pieces as of stone or glass."

These are all of the words that are getting close to describing what I want to do with this thing. Throw in a bit of post-modern theory, and we're well on our way...a little bit crazy. I need to start recognizing and celebrating the tiny Eureka's. They are there...I just need to recognize them.

Yesterday I experimented a bit with the cowboy poetry. I cut up an interview with Ken. He was talking about his 10-year plan...freedom, does money buy freedom, etc.? Then I laid it over this really bizarre footage we shot outside of Shinjuku station of a fortune-teller. Japanese viewers might find this a bit literal. Foreigners in Japan might have an "aha" moment. But I wonder about the rest. I'm speaking to essentially three groups. The response will be different depending on the cultural references.

Some Kind of Monster

I was thinking about Metallica: Some Kind of Monster. I was thinking that when I saw that film, I knew Metallica was big, but I had no idea that they had sold 90 million albums and that they played stadiums. So, it was interesting to be ignorant of that. I could see the characters in a different light. There is something that is nagging me about this and Tokyo Cowboys. I watched the footage we shot from the first trip where I interviewed Mark, Brendan and Todd about how they started up their company. These are the businessmen. And I know they are serious owners of a very successful company in Japan. But, I know them as something else. I know them on a more personal level. And that is what is interesting to me. Something is nagging me, but I can't quite get it yet.

Another thing that is pulling at me, and maybe it is the same thing. I was transcribing an interview during the first trip with Bryan Gould. He talks about getting effed over by his step brother. He talks about how there is a code of silence in his family about it and that he was expected not to break the code of silence. There is a lot of hurt and bitterness there against his family. Here is this strong loner type guy, yet he can hurt as well.

These are all bits and pieces of the puzzle. But I can't really figure out how to put them together yet. I'll just spread them out on the table and look at them. Right now, though, the most important thing is elimination and inclusion. What can I definitely eliminateÖwhat footage will never make the cut, what footage will maybe make the cut and what will definitely make the cut. That's what I'm trying to focus on at the moment.

Tokyo Cowboys August Update

Greetings from Rockhammer, Sweden. Population: 302 (your Tokyo Cowboys team being the 2). After using every mode of transportation (taxi, train, foot, bus, boat, car) and being on the road for 4 days in an attempt to keep traveling costs as low as possible, the equipment and the team arrived safely*. And, thank goodness, the computer and hard drives started up with no protest. Firstly, let me apologize that we can access email only sparingly as we have to dial up long-distance. So if you write to us (thanks to all of those who have already), it might take a few days to get back to you. Here's the news this month:

JUSFC Grant Status:

As mentioned in the last update, we have applied for the Japan US Friendship Commission Grant (www.jusfc.gov) with the help of our fiscal sponsor Projectile Arts (www.projectilearts.org). Thanks to all of you who helped us by writing recommendations and giving us advice on the proposal. The Commission has received our application and will make their decision on the 16th of September. We will hear from them shortly thereafter. If awarded, the grant it would afford us the opportunity to significantly supplement the postproduction and marketing budgets.

Sweden:

After the generous offer of accommodation from one of our long-standing Tokyo Cowboys patrons, we decided to come to Sweden in order to dedicate 100% of our attention and energy to editing Tokyo Cowboys. Thanks again KJ. The work so far has been fruitful. Patrick has cut 5 sequences from Ken's story and put together several fragments. As for me, I'm searching for the poetry in the language. Meticulously and obsessively reviewing the tapes, I'm piecing together the voice over track that will run throughout the film. Our plan is to get as far beyond a first cut as possible by the time we head back to London in late October.

Tokyo Cowboys Shares:

There are only 15 Tokyo Cowboys shares still available at £500 each. If you are interested in finding out more about the investment, please email me.

Again, thanks so much for your support. If you'd like to follow our progress more closely, I direct you to our blog at www.tokyocowboys.blogspot.com. You can also visit our website at www.tokyocowboys.com for more information about the project. And, you can always get in touch with me at daneeta@tokyocowboys.com. Send us good wishes, and if you are in Rockhammer, please drop by. We are the red house across from the little damn on the pond.

As always,

Hugs,

Daneeta and Patrick

*except for Daneeta's foot, which was injured in what will now be know as the "Tuna mayo incident of 2005"

Snapps and Crayfish

17 August

Drank snapps and ate crayfish with Adam, Fredrik and Anna last night. It's a summer tradition here. This morning I slid into the ice-cold lake to have at least one swim before the end of the summer. Actually, the summer is over here. I'm wearing jumpers and sweats. But the Swedes are still swimming in the lakes and in the little pool up the street from here. Why would Rockhammer have a pool? We are only 302 people. But it seems that half of them were at the pool today as I limped my way up to the recycle bins. That has become my daily exercise. It's as much as I can do before the foot starts to ache and won't let up. I haven't been able to sleep these past few nights because of it. Damn you tuna mayo, damn you!

We've been pouring over the pages of last week's Guardian that Karin brought back from her trip to England. That's the only news we have. It feels a bit weird...not being in touch with the world. I sort of felt that way when I first got to Japan. I was in the countryside. It was before the Internet (yes, there was such a time); it was before CNN had reached foreign shores. And, although there was the English-language Japan Times, it would arrive a day late to our little neck of the woods. If you have any old newspapers, send them along. Send us letters, post cards from the real world, care packages (sunflower seeds salted in the shell please, and brown Rotring ink cartridges as they are what I use for my daily journal, and magazines and whatever else you can think of). You can write to us care of Karin

Daneeta Loretta Saft/Patrick Jackson
c/o Karin Jackson
Rickardsbergs Gatan #10
S-70369
Orebro, Sweden

But, I digress. Nothing is taking shape yet. Keep cutting, but nothing is taking shape. I just have to patient...assemble the pieces. After that, we can concentrate on the whole. God help us.

Visual and Linguistic Poetry

Tape after tape after tape after tape. It's really a weird sensation. My head is confused. I'm watching hours and hours of footage from TC. Then I go outside and look at the forest (I can't walk in it yet because the foot is still effed up). I'm half in Sweden and half in Tokyo. My dreams don''t know where to go. I'm thinking about something Jason said yesterday, but it wasn't yesterday, it was 3 years ago. I just watched the tape yesterday. This is really trippy. It makes me think about time and memory and how they can get confused and how memory can allow you to time travel.

It's easy to lose track of the days here...easy to lose track of the time. Sometimes I don't notice the sun going down. Then I look up and it's midnight. Time travel again. I'm trying to piece together the Voice Over track. I'm searching for the poetry in their words. It's there...it's there in the words of everyone. You just have to find it. And then the audience will come to know the characters through the poetry of their language...the inherent poetry of their language...their dialogue...their internal monologue. Then there are the visuals...that has a certain poetry as well. I'm not talking about grammar, I'm talking about poetry. This kind of poetry, I'm much less familiar with. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I should listen to my intuition...my muse. I think Patrick is better at finding the visual poetry. And that's why I asked him to edit. He is a visual poet, I am a linguistic one.

We talked about mosaic today and how this film will be like a mosaic. I'm not exactly sure how that is going to look and sound when I am finished. We are laying all of the pieces out on the table and we are arranging them and re-arranging them. It's a painstaking process, and sometimes it is a bit maddening. But, it's the right thing to do. Layering as well...we are placing layer upon layer...the visuals, the voice over, the story, the overwhelming sound, the music...layering...endlessly.

The mosaic will create an experience, but what about the story? I have always struggled with the narrative...looking for the story behind the visual and linguistic poetry. I try to think in archetypes. Robert McKee says "the archetypal story unearths a universally human experience, then wraps itself inside a unique, cultural ñspecific expression.î And I know TC is filled with archetypal experience. I just have to figure it out.

The drama, the drama.

14 August

I forgot to mention that yesterday was a bit emotional. I went through the whole "I haven't accomplished anything in these 40 years" drama. I cried. I looked at my face, searching for new wrinkles...searching for age...or else, searching for that 16-year old girl who was filled with hope knowing that she would just get out of this place if it was the last thing she ever did. I was just feeling sorry for myself and had to slap myself around a bit and remind myself of a few things.

It's the money I think. I'm 40 and I have no money. I guess I have no debt either, which sort of makes me a non person...no money, no debt, no record of me anywhere. It's a bit weird. My family think I'm a hippy. Not so sure about that. I don't like the term struggling artist...free agent maybe...freedom's just another word for...

I reckon if we can get the JUSFC grant, Robert's gig in Thailand, our deposit back from the flat and a bit of promised cash from one of our patrons, we might just be able to finish this film and make it through half of next year. Now that would be a string of miracles indeed.

It's My Birthday

13 August

This is the 4th birthday I'm spending with Tokyo Cowboys. I am 40 today. I'm not really sure how to feel. I guess I feel like just only Daneeta. TC will be my first feature film, and I will finish it in my 40th year. You don't hear about filmmakers like me. You only hear about filmmakers who pick up a super 8 camera at aged 4, make their first feature at 6, then go to Hollywood to make it big and end up in rehab by 10. But surely, there must be filmmakers who started later...where are all of the late bloomers?

I feel filled with stories...fat with them...dare I saw pregnant with them. There are so many of them that I want to get out before I die. That's how I know that I will live well into my 90s. There are just too many stories.

It's good here. Rockhammer is good. No London distractions of trying to figure out how we're gonna pay this bill or the rent. No guilt over not being able to spend enough time on TC because we're working double shifts. The double shifts are spent on TC now. And that is good.

The Trip so Far

Start packing on Tuesday. Load up the van then go for a sandwich. So stressed about the move, etc. that I grab the wrong sandwich--tuna mayo. I hate mayo. Kick the wall, severely bruise my foot and can't walk. Patrick is livid. Call Robert and cry on the phone. He arrives in 30 minutes with frappichinos. Finish packing, but can't use the foot so crawl around on the floor to pack things up. Knees get bruised up. Go to the hospital for X-Rays. Foot isn't broken, but have to walk on crutches for about two weeks.

Clean the flat, do all of the last minute things, and stuff everything else into 9 bags. Spend the last night in the flat. Taxi to Kings Cross station, 3 hour train to Newcastle, 30 minute bus ride to the port of New Castle. Four big, heavy bags in toe including desktop computer, three heavy hard drives, 500 mini-DV tapes and what we need to live for the next three months.



24 hours on the boat to Gothenberg where we meet Patrick's mom to hand off most of the luggage. 5 hour train ride to Copenhagen to meet Patrick's sister (Ingrid) and her boyfriend, Rune. We take a Taxi, they take the bikes. Taxi driver drops us off at the wrong address. No credit on the phone to call Ingrid, so walk/limp 10 minutes to a pay phone. Don't have Ingrid's number, so try to call Patrick's mom in Sweden. Can't make international collect calls on the pay phone.

Walk/limp another 20 minutes to a hotel where I beg the concierge to let us call Sweden on his house phone. He lets us. Patrick's mom doesn't pick up. Try to call information to get Ingrid's number. Nothing. The concierge is astounded that we have neither Ingrid's number nor her address. "And, she's your sister?" he asks incredulously. We decide to go back to the station. Walk another 10 minutes to the station. 10 minutes later Rune finds us. We finally make it back to the flat where Patrick's sister has been hysterical over what could have happened to us.

I just want to start editing. But, we've got another few days before we can get set up. My foot hurts, it's purple and swollen. I want to make sure the computer is OK, that the hard drives are OK. I want to dig in.

Japan US Friendship

Just sent the hard copy of the JUSFC Grant Application for Tokyo Cowboys. In one way, it's a weight off of my shoulders. I'm glad I did it. It allowed me to think hard about the film and why I'm doing it. Got some great letters of recommendations from Robert, Muromatsu-san, and Ben Gibson. More to come. I'm hoping that will help the committee to see that we are serious.

Booked the train tickets to Newcastle from where we will be getting the boat to Sweden. I wish I could fast forward the next week. Haven't felt that way since I was a child. Just thinking about packing up the house and moving everything to the lockup is making me a bit ill. Then there is the traveling with the harddrives, the CPU and the 500 tapes. I think Patrick and I will have room for one change of clothes each.

I'm so thankful to all of the people who helped with the Grant. And the London Film School people have been great. They've allowed me to work full time for the past 3 months, sorted me out with two hard drives and given me loads of moral support for this upcoming adventure.

I can't wait to sink my teeth into the edit. I've been moaning about logging and digitizing for the past 6 months, but I must remember that this is the first part of the editing process.

I think about James Joyce. "After graduation in 1902 the twenty-year-old Joyce went to Paris, where he worked as a journalist, teacher and in other occupations under difficult financial conditions" says his biographer. I like "and in other occupations under difficult financial conditions." His life inspires me.



They say he lived an uneventful life by today's standards. That's how I feel about my life. But, I'm always rewriting it in my head.

Pulling Miracles out of my Butt

On the bright side, just sent off the JUSFC Grant application. I don't know what kind of chance we have, but getting that grant could mean everything. On the dark side, we are still £2000 short to start the edit. Patrick seems to have faith that I can raise the money, but I'm really tired of that...fund raising. I just want to concentrate on the film. That's all I've ever wanted to do. And this producing shite takes up so much of my time.

I've had this idea for the Voice Over. I'm going to record the voice over in a variety of voices and accents. The poetic voice over will be sprinkled over the film.

Still digitizing. Will it ever end. Did Yoko at the Tsukiji Fish Market last night...and Cloudy at his beach house.

Still so much left to do before leaving for Sweden. I'm beginning to panic. I hate people who have enough money to throw at problems. I wish I had money to throw at problems. It makes things so much easier. Then again, if you don't have the money, then you have to be creative. Let's see if I can creatively pull £2000 out of my butt.

Ode to Fuji-san

Here is one of my favorite screen captures. And there is a story behind it. Can you see Fuji-san (Mt. Fuji) in the background? She had eluded us all day long. We had gone to the top of the Shinjuku Municipal buildings to find her. From the 42nd floor, you can see a panarama of the Tokyo landscape. On a clear day, you can see Fuji-san. But the day was not clear. It was hazy. And, although we could see Fuji-san with the naked eye, the camera could not capture it. There was too much haze...too much reflective light. Patrick and I got really frustrated and started to snap at each other. It was time to go. The only record of Fuji-san on the tape would be the voices of the Japanese visitors saying "Mieru?" "Hai, Miemasu! Fuji-san...sugoi!" Frustrated, Patrick and I decided to head back to Nick's house. We'd been up since 5 a.m. and we had to shoot in the evening. We needed some rest.



Nick lives near to a small station on the Odakyu line--Higashi Kitazawa. It was here that she revealed herself to us. I could hardly believe it. I asked one of the school kids in my gaijin Japanese: "Is that Fuji-san." "Yes," she said in English. "Lovely." There she was, glowing in the sunset, her beauty not obstructed but enhanced by the forground of wired and electric Tokyo. It was one of those moments that I will treasure...one of those moments that, when I think of it, I want to fly off to Tokyo right now...my heart fills with nostalgia for shooting, for Tokyo, for the Cowboys, for the 33 million Japanese living in that city. Please, please...for the love of God, someone help me finish this film. Someone take me back.

Bits from JUSFC Grant

Been working on the Japan US Friendship commission grant. This is the first grant I've ever written, so I've been putting quite a bit of pressure on myself about making it perfect. This has resulted in paralysis. Well, that's not true...partial paralysis. I've been writing on the grant for three months, but I still think it's sh%*e! As the deadline is looming, I've decided to send it over to the folks at Projectile Arts (my fiscal sponsor). I'm sure they will give me an honest opinion.

Sometimes I think I'm writing something that makes perfect sense. Like this:

Project Objective:

The objective of the project Tokyo Cowboys is to produce a high quality, feature-length documentary about the life and times of a group of American men who have immigrated permanently to Japan. The film explores their reasons for staying and their experiences with their Japanese counterparts with the aim of fostering a greater understanding of cross-cultural similarities. Built upon the foundation of the Post-Modern Condition, the film explores the themes of freedom and responsibility; otherness and belonging; and the deconstruction of objectivity. The documentary is intended for cinema release in the U.S., Europe and Japan followed by international DVD and VHS distribution. The film will be suitable for a wide audience including both Western and Japanese.

And then...sometimes I feel like I'm talking total poo:

Postmodern Approach
Trained as a postmodernist at one of the US’ leading post-graduate universities, Saft uses a Postmodern approach to the storytelling process. Exploding the meta-narrative of western men in Tokyo, she achieves veracity by telling personal stories—mini-narratives, which are always situational and make no grand claim to universality. She explores the idea of Tokyo as the post-modern urban frontier. Cowboys go for the gold rush. They arrive and completely reinvent themselves by taking advantage of the opportunity indigenous to Tokyo. But, they are changed. They have mated with the “other” to become something new--born out of their own culture and the borrowed one. Tokyo wrings them out; she folds them in until they are a part of her and she is a part of them. Yet, they have the freedom to construct their own reality, their own future, even their own past as no one knows them from before, and they control the information that goes back home.

Monthly Update

Greetings from the Tokyo Cowboys team. It’s time for the monthly update.

Well…we’ve survived the terrorists. Thanks to all of you who wrote and called in your support. It was pretty frightening as we are based in Central London, but we were surrounded by the awesomely stoic Londoners.

On to happier things,

Here's the news:

IN THIS MAIL

1) Welcome New Investors
2) Swedish Seclusion
3) Japan-US Friendship Commission
4) Day and Night

1) NEW INVESTORS

Tokyo Cowboys welcomes two new investors joining us last month. In addition, a previous investor bought another share to add to her Tokyo Cowboys portfolio. Thanks again, you three, for your support. With that money we were able to buy a new Hard Drive (the other three have become full!). Just as important, however, we were able to FINISH LOGGING!!!!

If we can manage the sale of 4 more shares at £500 each, we will be set to FINALLY BEGIN EDITING. Now more than ever, we need your support. Four shares will allow us to buy another Hard Drive (the last one, which will hold nearly 100 hours of interviews). It will also allow us to dedicate nearly 3 months to full time editing. Please help us out if you can in funding this unique and exciting project.

2) SWEDISH SECLUSION

As I mentioned last month, thanks to the generous support of one of our Patrons, Patrick and I will be secluded in Sweden for nearly 3 months working full time on the project. We will be giving up our flat here and putting everything into storage taking only the computer and a few personal items. We have also put all other work on hold until our return to London in mid-October. You can still get in touch through email, the Blog and the website. The next time you hear from us, we will be up North. If you want updates in the interim, please visit the Tokyo Cowboys Blog at (www.tokyocowboys.blogspot.com)

3) JAPAN-US FRIENDSHIP

We are finalizing our application for the Japan-US Friendship Commission Grant. The application has to be submitted in three weeks, and we are working furiously on putting together a great proposal. On our team is a former JUSFC Grant winner, our fiscal sponsor and an experienced arts grant writer. Getting awarded this grant would be a great honor and would considerably help with the sale and distribution of the project.

4) DAY AND NIGHT

Patrick has been logging and digitizing day and night. He is nearly finished the 500+ tapes. This has been a Herculean task, and I thank him from the bottom of my heart.

That’s it for now. Keep yourselves safe and I’ll e you next month!
Hugs,
Daneeta

London Calling

Dear Akiko,

Thanks so much for your concern! Patrick and I are both fine as are all of our friends. As you know, we live and work just a 10 minute walk from the bus explosion. I was already at the London Film School when the explosions happened. One of our staff members was passing the bus when the bomb went off. He made it into the school safely, but he was terribly shaken. We locked down the school and kept all of the students calm.

We've got a big screen plasma TV here at the school, and we all gathered in front of it watching for news. Akiko, it was really heart warming admist all of the tragedy. As you know, the students are a very international group. We had Muslims, Jews, Christians, Hindu and Agnostics supporting each other and showing a great sense of solidarity. I was really impressed with how brave they all were for being so young.

I was also impressed by the way the police, paramedics and medical professionals handled the situation. We felt like things were under control soon after the explosions.

Walking home through Covent Garden was surreal. It was 5 p.m. and all of the shops were closed. I've never seen that before. The only places open were the pubs, and they were packed (in true English fashion!).

I'm still trying to process it all today. I feel like the world has lost some of its innocence since I was a child. But then I realize that we've been bombing each other to hell for generations. What an utter lack on imagination on the part of the human race. I'm so disappointed and sad that we can't think of better things to do than kill each other.

Keep yourself safe, and good health to your father.

Hugs,

Daneeta

Tokyo Cowboys Patron Creates New Life

The Tokyo Cowboys team would like to congratulate Jennifer and Ariel Goldfarb on the new addition to their family: Meris Xavier. Jennifer and Ariel have been long-time supporters of Tokyo Cowboys. After having lived in Tokyo for several years in the late nineties, they made their way back to the States and got busy with careers and family.

Back from Leeds

Visited Natalie up in Leeds over the weekend. We didn't move from her sofa the whole weekend...eating crisps and watching Glastonbury on TV. It was FAB.

Now I'm back to it. Been reading a lot about Postmodernism...the critique of grand narratives, merging of subject and object, situational, provisional, contingent and temporary...making no claim to universality, truth, reason or stability.

Let me just say right now: if there is ever a conflict between story truths and what people like to call objectivity, I will always err on the side of the story truth...that is, I think story can give us more truth than recalling something objectively. Does that make this NOT documentary? I never claimed to be a documentarian, though. I'm a story-teller...always have been, always will be.

Tokyo...early 21st Century. This is the new frontier. I'm looking for men with substance...larger than life, rife with archetype and tragic flaws. I'm looking for cowboys.

I'm so bleeding tired. I think I could sleep for a week. Working full time and then doing TC stuff in the evening...only a few more weeks. Then we're off to Sweden.

Booked the boat, gave notice at the job and our flat, so we're really going into seclusion. It's so cliche, but seems the right thing to do.

Boujaku Bujin

Any J-people out there? Please tell me the meaning of this kotowaza. I've heard it means "to act as if no one is beside you...boldly and without restraint."

The True Stories...

...of the Tokyo Cowboys. Thinking about expanding the title to that. Thinking about blurring the borders between fiction and documentary.

Transcribed BN's interview this morning. I heard he crashed and burned out of Tokyo. Not as many as you would expect crash and burn. But, when they do, they do it big. Like DH who tried to saw his foot off before he passed out from blood loss. Now, what was he thinking? What would make him believe that sawing his own foot off is a good idea.

Stories...stories, story truths. historiographic metafiction.

"there are truths that lie beyond the reach of the selective, linear, sequential grasp of narrative. The Fragment, the Quotation, or the image might b e closer to the ambiguous reality of things." dunnigan

fragmentation...
tokyo is a place not quite story, not quite true.
collage...
send me a post card from the real world
where the normal laws of physics apply

we can take more risks
we can be more free
and because we control the flow of information back to the real world
we can never fail.
we can never f*&k up.
The only f*&k up is to get kicked out of disneyland.
And that doesn't happen very often