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Wednesday, June 08, 2005


You can't control can only react to it. I guess the art is in the reaction.

Working at a 9-5 for the next two months. It's excruciating. Had an argument with Kurt about this when I was in NOLA. "Get a job," he said. "I don't need a job." Only now I do so that we can get to Sweden in August.

We're still under funded, and the only way we're going to be able to edit full time is to try to fund it ourselves. There are a few things that have to come through for us to do this. Promises of investment, patronage, work...if one slips through the cracks, we're screwed.

There is no option, really. If we stay here, we'll get sucked back into the viscious cycle of chasing money to pay the rent. When you chase money, there is no energy left for anything else. I'm exhausted when I get finished with the 9-5. I'd rather starve. But, I don't have that option. I'm starving with the 9-5 because all of the money is going to Tokyo Cowboys.

I'm sure it must be worth it, but I wanted to do this so that I would never have to do the 9-5 again, and here I am doing it. It's like some twisted Catch-22.

No, think of James Joyce...Van Gogh...I need better mentors. These guys died in pain. I thought I might hang in there for a while as I'm a late bloomer.

But, anyway...going to the doctor on Friday. It seems I have repetitive stress disorder in my hand because of writing. Its causing pain in my elbow, shoulder and neck on the right side. Can you believe it? I've been a writer my whole life, and now it's starting to attack my body. I write in a journal by hand every morning. I guess that will do it.

Hungry now. Patrick and I abstained from eating all day today so that we could make tacos tonight. It's our favorite dish. Don't think they will have the stuff in Sweden. Oh God, help us.

Transcribed Kanya's interview last night. I think I like her definition of freedom the best, although it's a bit dark. "What is freedom?" I ask her. "I don't know...freedom for me is...freedom from negativity, freedom from hating myself, freedom from bad thoughts, from sickness, from depression...yeah...freedom from...that's freedom."