Paying the Rent Sucks

Just have to concentrate on the small steps. One foot in front of the other, and before you know it, it will start to take shape. Budget, scheduling, I hate all of this stuff. And then I have to figure out how we're going to pay the rent. That sucks. I want to focus on my art.

I heard this thing about female artists. That not only do we get obsessed by our art, but we also have to clean the house, pay the bills, raise the kids (thank God I didn't go down that street), be a woman to the man. I don't know what to do with myself.

Ken Wilbur

Ken Wilbur says there was once a time in human history, pre-language history, when man could not distinguish dreams from reality. How weird is that? I had this dream last night that God had gone to High School with me. That's all I remember from that dream.

Oooooo, spooky: Look Inside of the book.

Logging

Yesterday Mr. S. invested a substantial amount of money into the project. This was a direct answer to my prayers, thank you very much. Have been logging incessantly.

Old People in Hawaii

Old people on the bus with their 40 something minders. One guy's name is "Bill." He must be in his 80s. He's got a tattoo, but you can't tell what it once was. He's really skinny, but was probably a looker in his time...maybe a colonel in the USMC...hero in WWII.

But now he looks confused...keeps checking his pocket for change or something. I wonder what he's thinking. I wonder if he's drugged. Wonder what he's feeling as his minder yells "Not yet, Bill. Just relax. We've got a long way to go still." I wonder if I can create a diversion so that he can escape at the next stop.

Worn Out

Worn out people...killing themselves to stay young.
Rand says " It's a miracle none of us has gotten sick or died."

Beat the Street

Beat the street. I hate this place. Wanna go home. "Go home!" Tokyo screams. And my head is exploding, and I can't find any cheap food.

Construction

At a FEW meeting Alex Kerr says that 40% of the national budget of Japan is spent on construction and that 12% of the work force of Japan is directly involved in construction. No wonder Ken's so pissed off about the construction going on all around him.

Donnie Darko

Life is Empty and Meaningless

I'm drunk and it's 7 a.m. We did the worst thing...staying up all night with jetlag...or...drinking with our subjects. Or, having a subject who is an ex-husband.

Mark quotes "Life is empty and meaningless. And the fact that life is empty and meaningless is empty and meaningless" from Landmark Education. Patrick responds: "There is only the present moment. And I'm pretty happy at the present."

We have Arrived

It's Japan. And I'm at Akiko's.

If you could have, do or be...

If you could have, do or be whatever you wanted, how would you choose? Right vs. Wrong. Freedom vs. Responsibility. Imagine a world with no rules.

We Got the Money

Confirmation of a £5,000 investment came through from Mr. A.

Now it's real, and I'm freaking out. I don't have a story. I've got some great characters--some larger than life characters. But I don't have a story. What the f---? It's the research really. You film what you've planned to film, and you'll do loads of research when you get there. This film will take place over the course of a year and a half. Japan at least 4 times. Hawaii maybe two. Barcelona once.

I'll get the story.

I was thinking about surrogate families. These guys are each other's surrogate families. They are all long-term residents of Tokyo. They have their businesses there. They are expats....business expats. Tokyo in the 00s is the same as Paris in the 30s. No that's not right. They are businessmen. Not artists.

What's the story...what's the story? They are struggling with their success. They are men without a country. They are Cowboys. What's the Cowboy mentality? John Wayne. Clint Eastwood. They are men working hard to build a new life in the postmodern urban frontier. They are heroes with big, big flaws. They are likable characters, but are they? I want to portray them honestly. They are men in the new frontier.

What about the women? Patrick says "there's a reason why Westerns are about men."

The tribe thing...I like that. That's something tangible. What's this film about? It's about a bunch of foreign guys and 18 million Japanese people. It's about a city, a time, a place. That's still not a story.

They are metaphorically living on a different planet. Can I juxtapose the Japanese ancient culture with the new-tech Tokyo Cowboys.

Go to Meijii shrine during Oshou Gatsu.

In this moment...

In this moment, this eternal moment, I am filled with something that feels like what happiness should feel like. Survival on the frontier. What does it take to survive? Struggling with Western values and beliefs in an alien and postmodern culture.

What's the Story?

Street interviews. Shinjuku views of the city. Narrative...narrative...what's the fucking story?

Step by step, enduring depression, lack of faith, loneliness. I know why people check out. Things fall apart. They're never good enough.

Had a dream about screaming aliens riding on skateboards. I was laying on a sleeping bag on the floor of the British Museum.

Clash of belief systems. What they say vs. what they do. Story, story, story? Living within but not a part of society. Visual entrapment.

It's my Birthday

It's my birthday. I'm 37, and I'm just thinking about career development.

Louis Theroux: "Weird Weekends."

Greek Mythology: mythic characters with tragic flaws.

If you see the beginning and the end, then you can figure out everything in between. That's pure math, I think. Paul Davies: "Let's Do Talk" Find the truths (with small "t's")...story truths. For music, I'm thinking something from the Flaming Lips. Quite like "Do you realize," but is that a bit too cheesy?

Actually, the whole "Yoshimi" album has resonance. If anyone knows the Wayne M Coyne, can you ask if he'd be up for a meeting?

Reinvention

Reinvention...the new frontiersmen in a postmodern wild west.

The John Wayne mythology can still be fulfilled in Japan. How does it break down? Deconstruction. Commitment: 18 months.

Historiographic Metafiction. Social Narrative. Reality Narrative.

Help me. My head is going to explode.

Exploding...
Exploding...

Exploding the frontiersmen myth...High Tech, rich and surfing the simulacrum of a postmodern society. Deconstruction = Explode. Tuned in, Turned On. There's so much drama in the gossip.

Tokyo, supernova, sushi express...28 million people.
Moving
Grooving
Smooth skinned
Lithe
Sleepy
Nihon-jin.
Packed like perfect pink sushi in plastic hello kitty boxes.

Sexual Politics...by whatever means possible. Now it's kickin' chicken. Militant feminism, Japanese feminism, exploitation. I am a product of my environment.

Places have power, resonance, memory.

Graduation Plans

I've decided to produce and edit Patrick's graduation film. And, I've decided to graduate on that film as well. That way, we can maintain the rights on the documentary and make it a much bigger project. That means that my time will be devoted to "This is What it Feels Like" for the next month or so.

We can both graduate in December and be on with Rob's feature for the first part of next year.

Natsukashii

"Ringu" was on TV last night, and I started to feel nostalgic about Japan. That is the first time that's happened since I left. Strange things are happening. Strange emotions. Things are getting curiouser and curiouser.

Circular Rainbows

Aronofsky says that paranoia is seeing layers of meaning in chaos. If this is the case, then I am an extremely paranoid person. I like seeing some meaning in the chaos. Without deeper meaning, there is no mystery. There is no God. Patrick says he doesn't know why people search for a deeper meaning. "Life is deep enough," he says. I suppose. But, isn't it our ability to think about God that makes us human...that separates us from the beasts and the...well...fish? But how do we know that other animals don't think about God? I'd like to think that my cat, Miss Sophie, thought about God right before she died alone and scared.

Last night I dreamed of circular rainbows...four circular rainbows. And I kept saying "have you ever seen anything like that?"

Sent the first batch of emails to people in Tokyo asking for money. Or, actually, it was a "do you know anyone who knows anyone with money?"

Watched "Hoop Dreams" and "The War Room" last night...two very different documentaries, but good to see.

Trying hard to live on £10 per day. That's really f*&%ing hard in London.

I was thinking about the generation after mine--Patrick's generation...the MTV generation. It's such a visually-driven generation. Growing up on MTV, having video cameras and being computer literate from the age of 10. And so sad and disillusioned at such an early age. It makes for good artists, I suppose, but it's a generation without hope. If they don't make it by the time they're 25, they feel like they are failures. And what of my generation? What are we doing now?..we are the slackers...generation X. we slacked off all during our 20s. Now we're spending our 30s competing with Patrick's generation. Oh, it's all confused in my head. Everything is confused in my head. Trying to make some order out of the chaos gives me a headache. Maybe if I could just start by making sense out of small pieces. But everything is connected to everything else, and when you try to make sense out of some small part of it, it leads to something bigger and more confusing. I just have to try.

I went to the Embassy to get a new passport. They have to send off to the States for it. New rules in a post 9/11 world. It cost me £50. I nearly pee-ed myself.

Brainstorming

I was brainstorming with Patrick about the film, and he says that all of my ideas are too general. I sent questions to all the guys to get the ball rolling...to try to find the story. Something specific, something personal. They all went to Japan. Why Japan? The Asian mystique. They all have "salesmen" like qualities.

Patrick insists that documentary is about capturing the "here and now." The backstory must be kept to a minimum. Business, headhunting, the way they do business.

I keep thinking about the women.

Keep digging, keep doing the research. Look for patterns in the information. Patterns will emerge.

I have completely run out of money. And, we are all holding our breath to see if Adam passes his course. If he fails, he'll have to go back to Sweden. But I think he will pass. I feel like, even though we don't have any money and we are in danger of losing our flat, everything is going to work out just fine.

Patrick was up again all last night working on his showreel, so we're both tired and cranky today.