Tacos

Spent all day working on the website. I'm sick of it. The good news is that we got paid the 25 quid for the sound equipment. That means food. And, today, I made tacos. We both stuffed ourselves.

LFS End of Term Screening

Ah, the LFS end of term screening. I like to go to every one. I'm always hoping to find a good DoP there. This year, the best DoP was...Patrick Jackson for Jules' film. I was really proud of him. Jules told him to go to the party to get his ass kissed, as he certainly deserved it. E & Y were the only ones who kissed his ass.

The other reason we go is for the food. Again, I stuffed myself. The only meal of the day, but what a good one. I got sick later for stuffing myself. There is an old lady that goes to the after party every year. She must be in her 70s. She's always a bit scruffy, and she piles her plate up with food. I don't know where it all goes as she's bone thin. I was standing next to her in the food queue, and I thought to myself "That's me in 40 years." Scrounging for food at the LFS end of term party. Hell, that's me now.

Spent most of the week working on the website. I'm hoping to use it as a tool to raise the rest of the cash to finish the film. The frustrating thing is that I know I have the film--a beautiful, wonderful film. But, it's amongst the 450 hours of tapes I've got sitting on my bookcase. And, the reality is that, without the money, the film will remain within those tapes. Oooo, a bit morose today.

I've been logging as well. As I sit in my darkened room and watch the rushes, I am hit by this overwhelming desire to return. I miss the smells, the food, the neon. But, most of all, I miss the cowboys. Patrick says this is normal. I write to them, thinking this will quench my desire. They write back, tell me what they are up to. This only makes it worse. I realize that the time I spent shooting this film was my happiest time in Tokyo. Those memories have successfully wiped out all of the negativity that I left Japan with--7 years of perceived bad luck gone in an instant! And there is a larger lesson to be learned. Our lives are just a collection of memories. All of this bullshit about living in the present...there is no present. There is only memory. And, if this film represents a collection of honest memories of Patrick and me and the cowboys, will that be good enough to achieve greatness?

Filmmaking is Glam

I have to do whatever I can to get the rent paid and to finish this film. People think filmmaking is such a glam job. It's only glam for the famous, and even then, it's a nightmare. So why do we do it? I was talking to Cassie about it. She says we do it because we want to create something beautiful...we're artists. Maybe that's true for her, but it's sort of bullshit for me. I do it because I have all of this shit inside of me that if I don't let it out, I would explode. Hmmm...that's a bit too Freudian for me. In any case, it's not glam. Begging for money, working for free, no cinema, no new clothes, my face is a mess. I think I should stop this self-pity now before i kill myself.

Bed Head

Patrick's dad bought us a bed for Patrick's birthday. It was delivered today, and our lives just got better. After two years on the floor, we now have a mattress that we can put on the bed frame that Vonda and Ross gave us months ago.

This is a picture of our mattress.



This morning I woke up, and for the first time in 4 and a half years my body didn't hurt.

Just to Continue

"Just to continue should be your purpose." Suzuki again. Been reading Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind by Shinryu Suzuki. I've had the book for over 10 years, but I've never been able to get through it. This time I'm flying like the wind. It's informal talks on Zen meditation, but I find it helpful to apply his advice to finishing Tokyo Cowboys. It's funny how it applies. Maybe I should start meditating as well.

Desperate

I was so desperate for cash that I was a doorman for an hour for 15 quid. That will get us food for the next two days. It was fun anyway. I got to meet an old time alum from LFS.

Logging is going well. Michael is right. The more I look at the footage, the more things start to solidify in my head. And transcribing is really helping as well.

Independence Day

Independence Day. I met with a potential editor today. A good guy, but only the initial meeting. I think the most important thing is to be able to get along with the guy. I feel comfortable with him. We're gonna meet again after he sees the trailer and some of the sequences Patrick and I cut together ages ago.

Nothing on the money front.

Arranging the Dots out of Order

Suzuki says "It is almost impossible to arrange the dots out of order." I know this is supposed to be a comfort, but with 450 hours of footage, I keep thinking that it might be possible to fuck it all up.This whole project has been overshadowded by money...or the fact that we don't have any. Patrick says this is what independent filmmaking is. And I guess he's right. But it must be just a little easier when you are the heir to the Speigle catalogue fortune. We will be completely out of money by Monday. Enough to pay the rent, but food will be a luxury we can't afford. And is this affecting the film? I wonder...

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