Circular Rainbows

Aronofsky says that paranoia is seeing layers of meaning in chaos. If this is the case, then I am an extremely paranoid person. I like seeing some meaning in the chaos. Without deeper meaning, there is no mystery. There is no God. Patrick says he doesn't know why people search for a deeper meaning. "Life is deep enough," he says. I suppose. But, isn't it our ability to think about God that makes us human...that separates us from the beasts and the...well...fish? But how do we know that other animals don't think about God? I'd like to think that my cat, Miss Sophie, thought about God right before she died alone and scared.

Last night I dreamed of circular rainbows...four circular rainbows. And I kept saying "have you ever seen anything like that?"

Sent the first batch of emails to people in Tokyo asking for money. Or, actually, it was a "do you know anyone who knows anyone with money?"

Watched "Hoop Dreams" and "The War Room" last night...two very different documentaries, but good to see.

Trying hard to live on £10 per day. That's really f*&%ing hard in London.

I was thinking about the generation after mine--Patrick's generation...the MTV generation. It's such a visually-driven generation. Growing up on MTV, having video cameras and being computer literate from the age of 10. And so sad and disillusioned at such an early age. It makes for good artists, I suppose, but it's a generation without hope. If they don't make it by the time they're 25, they feel like they are failures. And what of my generation? What are we doing now?..we are the slackers...generation X. we slacked off all during our 20s. Now we're spending our 30s competing with Patrick's generation. Oh, it's all confused in my head. Everything is confused in my head. Trying to make some order out of the chaos gives me a headache. Maybe if I could just start by making sense out of small pieces. But everything is connected to everything else, and when you try to make sense out of some small part of it, it leads to something bigger and more confusing. I just have to try.

I went to the Embassy to get a new passport. They have to send off to the States for it. New rules in a post 9/11 world. It cost me £50. I nearly pee-ed myself.

Brainstorming

I was brainstorming with Patrick about the film, and he says that all of my ideas are too general. I sent questions to all the guys to get the ball rolling...to try to find the story. Something specific, something personal. They all went to Japan. Why Japan? The Asian mystique. They all have "salesmen" like qualities.

Patrick insists that documentary is about capturing the "here and now." The backstory must be kept to a minimum. Business, headhunting, the way they do business.

I keep thinking about the women.

Keep digging, keep doing the research. Look for patterns in the information. Patterns will emerge.

I have completely run out of money. And, we are all holding our breath to see if Adam passes his course. If he fails, he'll have to go back to Sweden. But I think he will pass. I feel like, even though we don't have any money and we are in danger of losing our flat, everything is going to work out just fine.

Patrick was up again all last night working on his showreel, so we're both tired and cranky today.

SE is in!

I got an email from SE yesterday. He's up for having us film him. That's Mark, Rand, Bryan and now SE.

This idea of "Adult Disneyland"..."Economic Hostages." Peter Pan syndrome. That should be a good springboard. I wonder if they still go out to Roppongi.

The proposal is nowhere near being ready, but I think I will have a good draft of it before the end of the day tomorrow. Then I can discuss the project with Ben and Alan.

I cut off all of my hair yesterday. The plan is to not cut it until the film is finished. Let's see how long it can get. This is what I look like with short hair:

SE wants to slag off everyone, which I think is good...a little bit of controversy...a little bit of conflict. That's good.

Not really up for "talking heads" interviews, but I'm not really sure how to get around it. Thinking about using the sound from their interviews and making it like some kind of poetry over sequences...kind of like T. Malick. But he's the master of this, and I am not worthy.

I've lost my passport.

References

Startup.Com
American Movie

Can I communicate the story without Voice Over? That's what these guys did. But, then, there's Sans Soliel, which is such a beautiful film and I think will have a lot of influence on me. But is it accessible?

What do I want to communicate? Because that's what it's all about. I suppose there's a continuing sense of longing. The longing has not been satisfied even with all of the money, toys, etc. There's a restlessness. Or, maybe that's just me projecting.

I want to focus on their personal lives. How has all of this success, life style and money changed them?

What about the issue of objectivity? I know these guys. Can I be objective. Eric says "I don't want to make a fan movie."

Every night I finish off a pack of ciggies and say "that's the last one." And every morning...Oh well. Someday they will be illegal.

I'm going to Prime Time to be Patrick's groupie for an hour or so.

The Thing that Interests Me

The thing that interests me is that these men have travelled half way around the world to make their fortunes. They didn't do it at home. And they travelled there alone. What brought them there? Why Japan? And how has this changed them? Are they staying just for the money, or is there something else?

There is a sense of freedom. And there is a sense of celebrity. It's a small community of foreigners. They have their own newspapers, magazines, societies. And, it's easy to get known there. They are big fish in a small pond. They are like the pioneers who went West in the US to seek their fortunes in the gold rich region. Or, they are like early explorers who went to seek their fortune in the new world. Now the cycle is completing itself. They are pushing further west, which brings them back East.

So I guess that's my metaphor. And how are they viewed back home? And, what price are they paying? They are thousands of miles away from their families and childhood friends. How do they compensate for this? They go over the top by spending loads of cash on their castles. A tour of the castle and of their offices is necessary. They are very proud of those things.

Their relationships to women is another thing. Relationships. How are they different? There is a different set of rules. How do they feel about that? And they have a different set of morals by which they live. As long as they stay within the proper laws of Japan and they stay ethical in business, they can pretty much do whatever they want in their personal lives.

The money is a big thing as well. Where do I get the money and the camera? If I can just get a free camera or the money for the camera, things should work out. I think if I can't get the camera for free, I'm going to need £60,000.

Went to the bookstore today and started reading Hokkaido Highway Blues by Will Fergerson. Very good book about a Canadian guy who hitch hikes the whole length of Japan following the cherry blossoms. The really funny thing is that I think I might know this guy. We were in the same region, in the same program at the same time. I know this Will. I just can't picture him.

Fish Tank Dream

I had this really weird dream last night:

I'm in this really big house with Mark Saft and Todd Miller. There is this old guy who has died, and he was very rich. We are in his house looking at all of his rich man things. He's got a suitcase only for shoes...an entire suitcase that you use only to pack shoes.

We go into one room, and there's a huge aquarium that spans the whole room.

Mark says "there's something very disturbing about this aquarium."

"What?" I say.

"You don't want to know," he says.

"Tell me." I say.

"I'll show you," he says.

He walks over to the aquarium and presses a button. A guy dressed in some kind of uniform drops into the tank. He looks confused. Suddenly a fish twice his size swoops down and eats him.
We look up, and we can see through the ceiling. There are loads of people working on the floor above us. It's an office with a glass floor, only they can't see us. The old man has been hiring loads of foreigners (we are in Japan, right, so hiring non-Japanese). He has been hiring them to feed his fish. There are lots of people in the lobby filling in applications. Some Japanese girls are behind the desk arranging everything. The applicants can't believe their luck at being picked for such a great job.

Suddenly, I'm in the wife's closet, trying on her clothes. I've inherited the house and I'm trying to figure out what to keep and what to throw away. But, I'm feeling uneasy about inheriting this house from a psycho-path. Mark and I decide to alert the police about the fish tank, but when we go back to the main "feeding" tank, it has been dismantled. We find some glass from the tank and stick it in our pockets for "evidence."

I spent all day yesterday watching the Japan tapes. It was strange because it brought back so many memories.

I spoke with BG yesterday. He was drunk. He can't remember the $5,000 he offered for the film. He says he can give me $1,000. But maybe I'll ask him if I can shoot him instead.