Old People in Hawaii

Old people on the bus with their 40 something minders. One guy's name is "Bill." He must be in his 80s. He's got a tattoo, but you can't tell what it once was. He's really skinny, but was probably a looker in his time...maybe a colonel in the USMC...hero in WWII.

But now he looks confused...keeps checking his pocket for change or something. I wonder what he's thinking. I wonder if he's drugged. Wonder what he's feeling as his minder yells "Not yet, Bill. Just relax. We've got a long way to go still." I wonder if I can create a diversion so that he can escape at the next stop.

Worn Out

Worn out people...killing themselves to stay young.
Rand says " It's a miracle none of us has gotten sick or died."

Beat the Street

Beat the street. I hate this place. Wanna go home. "Go home!" Tokyo screams. And my head is exploding, and I can't find any cheap food.

Construction

At a FEW meeting Alex Kerr says that 40% of the national budget of Japan is spent on construction and that 12% of the work force of Japan is directly involved in construction. No wonder Ken's so pissed off about the construction going on all around him.

Donnie Darko

Life is Empty and Meaningless

I'm drunk and it's 7 a.m. We did the worst thing...staying up all night with jetlag...or...drinking with our subjects. Or, having a subject who is an ex-husband.

Mark quotes "Life is empty and meaningless. And the fact that life is empty and meaningless is empty and meaningless" from Landmark Education. Patrick responds: "There is only the present moment. And I'm pretty happy at the present."

We have Arrived

It's Japan. And I'm at Akiko's.

If you could have, do or be...

If you could have, do or be whatever you wanted, how would you choose? Right vs. Wrong. Freedom vs. Responsibility. Imagine a world with no rules.

We Got the Money

Confirmation of a £5,000 investment came through from Mr. A.

Now it's real, and I'm freaking out. I don't have a story. I've got some great characters--some larger than life characters. But I don't have a story. What the f---? It's the research really. You film what you've planned to film, and you'll do loads of research when you get there. This film will take place over the course of a year and a half. Japan at least 4 times. Hawaii maybe two. Barcelona once.

I'll get the story.

I was thinking about surrogate families. These guys are each other's surrogate families. They are all long-term residents of Tokyo. They have their businesses there. They are expats....business expats. Tokyo in the 00s is the same as Paris in the 30s. No that's not right. They are businessmen. Not artists.

What's the story...what's the story? They are struggling with their success. They are men without a country. They are Cowboys. What's the Cowboy mentality? John Wayne. Clint Eastwood. They are men working hard to build a new life in the postmodern urban frontier. They are heroes with big, big flaws. They are likable characters, but are they? I want to portray them honestly. They are men in the new frontier.

What about the women? Patrick says "there's a reason why Westerns are about men."

The tribe thing...I like that. That's something tangible. What's this film about? It's about a bunch of foreign guys and 18 million Japanese people. It's about a city, a time, a place. That's still not a story.

They are metaphorically living on a different planet. Can I juxtapose the Japanese ancient culture with the new-tech Tokyo Cowboys.

Go to Meijii shrine during Oshou Gatsu.

In this moment...

In this moment, this eternal moment, I am filled with something that feels like what happiness should feel like. Survival on the frontier. What does it take to survive? Struggling with Western values and beliefs in an alien and postmodern culture.

What's the Story?

Street interviews. Shinjuku views of the city. Narrative...narrative...what's the fucking story?

Step by step, enduring depression, lack of faith, loneliness. I know why people check out. Things fall apart. They're never good enough.

Had a dream about screaming aliens riding on skateboards. I was laying on a sleeping bag on the floor of the British Museum.

Clash of belief systems. What they say vs. what they do. Story, story, story? Living within but not a part of society. Visual entrapment.

It's my Birthday

It's my birthday. I'm 37, and I'm just thinking about career development.

Louis Theroux: "Weird Weekends."

Greek Mythology: mythic characters with tragic flaws.

If you see the beginning and the end, then you can figure out everything in between. That's pure math, I think. Paul Davies: "Let's Do Talk" Find the truths (with small "t's")...story truths. For music, I'm thinking something from the Flaming Lips. Quite like "Do you realize," but is that a bit too cheesy?

Actually, the whole "Yoshimi" album has resonance. If anyone knows the Wayne M Coyne, can you ask if he'd be up for a meeting?

Reinvention

Reinvention...the new frontiersmen in a postmodern wild west.

The John Wayne mythology can still be fulfilled in Japan. How does it break down? Deconstruction. Commitment: 18 months.

Historiographic Metafiction. Social Narrative. Reality Narrative.

Help me. My head is going to explode.

Exploding...
Exploding...

Exploding the frontiersmen myth...High Tech, rich and surfing the simulacrum of a postmodern society. Deconstruction = Explode. Tuned in, Turned On. There's so much drama in the gossip.

Tokyo, supernova, sushi express...28 million people.
Moving
Grooving
Smooth skinned
Lithe
Sleepy
Nihon-jin.
Packed like perfect pink sushi in plastic hello kitty boxes.

Sexual Politics...by whatever means possible. Now it's kickin' chicken. Militant feminism, Japanese feminism, exploitation. I am a product of my environment.

Places have power, resonance, memory.

Graduation Plans

I've decided to produce and edit Patrick's graduation film. And, I've decided to graduate on that film as well. That way, we can maintain the rights on the documentary and make it a much bigger project. That means that my time will be devoted to "This is What it Feels Like" for the next month or so.

We can both graduate in December and be on with Rob's feature for the first part of next year.

Natsukashii

"Ringu" was on TV last night, and I started to feel nostalgic about Japan. That is the first time that's happened since I left. Strange things are happening. Strange emotions. Things are getting curiouser and curiouser.

Circular Rainbows

Aronofsky says that paranoia is seeing layers of meaning in chaos. If this is the case, then I am an extremely paranoid person. I like seeing some meaning in the chaos. Without deeper meaning, there is no mystery. There is no God. Patrick says he doesn't know why people search for a deeper meaning. "Life is deep enough," he says. I suppose. But, isn't it our ability to think about God that makes us human...that separates us from the beasts and the...well...fish? But how do we know that other animals don't think about God? I'd like to think that my cat, Miss Sophie, thought about God right before she died alone and scared.

Last night I dreamed of circular rainbows...four circular rainbows. And I kept saying "have you ever seen anything like that?"

Sent the first batch of emails to people in Tokyo asking for money. Or, actually, it was a "do you know anyone who knows anyone with money?"

Watched "Hoop Dreams" and "The War Room" last night...two very different documentaries, but good to see.

Trying hard to live on £10 per day. That's really f*&%ing hard in London.

I was thinking about the generation after mine--Patrick's generation...the MTV generation. It's such a visually-driven generation. Growing up on MTV, having video cameras and being computer literate from the age of 10. And so sad and disillusioned at such an early age. It makes for good artists, I suppose, but it's a generation without hope. If they don't make it by the time they're 25, they feel like they are failures. And what of my generation? What are we doing now?..we are the slackers...generation X. we slacked off all during our 20s. Now we're spending our 30s competing with Patrick's generation. Oh, it's all confused in my head. Everything is confused in my head. Trying to make some order out of the chaos gives me a headache. Maybe if I could just start by making sense out of small pieces. But everything is connected to everything else, and when you try to make sense out of some small part of it, it leads to something bigger and more confusing. I just have to try.

I went to the Embassy to get a new passport. They have to send off to the States for it. New rules in a post 9/11 world. It cost me £50. I nearly pee-ed myself.

Brainstorming

I was brainstorming with Patrick about the film, and he says that all of my ideas are too general. I sent questions to all the guys to get the ball rolling...to try to find the story. Something specific, something personal. They all went to Japan. Why Japan? The Asian mystique. They all have "salesmen" like qualities.

Patrick insists that documentary is about capturing the "here and now." The backstory must be kept to a minimum. Business, headhunting, the way they do business.

I keep thinking about the women.

Keep digging, keep doing the research. Look for patterns in the information. Patterns will emerge.

I have completely run out of money. And, we are all holding our breath to see if Adam passes his course. If he fails, he'll have to go back to Sweden. But I think he will pass. I feel like, even though we don't have any money and we are in danger of losing our flat, everything is going to work out just fine.

Patrick was up again all last night working on his showreel, so we're both tired and cranky today.

SE is in!

I got an email from SE yesterday. He's up for having us film him. That's Mark, Rand, Bryan and now SE.

This idea of "Adult Disneyland"..."Economic Hostages." Peter Pan syndrome. That should be a good springboard. I wonder if they still go out to Roppongi.

The proposal is nowhere near being ready, but I think I will have a good draft of it before the end of the day tomorrow. Then I can discuss the project with Ben and Alan.

I cut off all of my hair yesterday. The plan is to not cut it until the film is finished. Let's see how long it can get. This is what I look like with short hair:

SE wants to slag off everyone, which I think is good...a little bit of controversy...a little bit of conflict. That's good.

Not really up for "talking heads" interviews, but I'm not really sure how to get around it. Thinking about using the sound from their interviews and making it like some kind of poetry over sequences...kind of like T. Malick. But he's the master of this, and I am not worthy.

I've lost my passport.

References

Startup.Com
American Movie

Can I communicate the story without Voice Over? That's what these guys did. But, then, there's Sans Soliel, which is such a beautiful film and I think will have a lot of influence on me. But is it accessible?

What do I want to communicate? Because that's what it's all about. I suppose there's a continuing sense of longing. The longing has not been satisfied even with all of the money, toys, etc. There's a restlessness. Or, maybe that's just me projecting.

I want to focus on their personal lives. How has all of this success, life style and money changed them?

What about the issue of objectivity? I know these guys. Can I be objective. Eric says "I don't want to make a fan movie."

Every night I finish off a pack of ciggies and say "that's the last one." And every morning...Oh well. Someday they will be illegal.

I'm going to Prime Time to be Patrick's groupie for an hour or so.

The Thing that Interests Me

The thing that interests me is that these men have travelled half way around the world to make their fortunes. They didn't do it at home. And they travelled there alone. What brought them there? Why Japan? And how has this changed them? Are they staying just for the money, or is there something else?

There is a sense of freedom. And there is a sense of celebrity. It's a small community of foreigners. They have their own newspapers, magazines, societies. And, it's easy to get known there. They are big fish in a small pond. They are like the pioneers who went West in the US to seek their fortunes in the gold rich region. Or, they are like early explorers who went to seek their fortune in the new world. Now the cycle is completing itself. They are pushing further west, which brings them back East.

So I guess that's my metaphor. And how are they viewed back home? And, what price are they paying? They are thousands of miles away from their families and childhood friends. How do they compensate for this? They go over the top by spending loads of cash on their castles. A tour of the castle and of their offices is necessary. They are very proud of those things.

Their relationships to women is another thing. Relationships. How are they different? There is a different set of rules. How do they feel about that? And they have a different set of morals by which they live. As long as they stay within the proper laws of Japan and they stay ethical in business, they can pretty much do whatever they want in their personal lives.

The money is a big thing as well. Where do I get the money and the camera? If I can just get a free camera or the money for the camera, things should work out. I think if I can't get the camera for free, I'm going to need £60,000.

Went to the bookstore today and started reading Hokkaido Highway Blues by Will Fergerson. Very good book about a Canadian guy who hitch hikes the whole length of Japan following the cherry blossoms. The really funny thing is that I think I might know this guy. We were in the same region, in the same program at the same time. I know this Will. I just can't picture him.

Fish Tank Dream

I had this really weird dream last night:

I'm in this really big house with Mark Saft and Todd Miller. There is this old guy who has died, and he was very rich. We are in his house looking at all of his rich man things. He's got a suitcase only for shoes...an entire suitcase that you use only to pack shoes.

We go into one room, and there's a huge aquarium that spans the whole room.

Mark says "there's something very disturbing about this aquarium."

"What?" I say.

"You don't want to know," he says.

"Tell me." I say.

"I'll show you," he says.

He walks over to the aquarium and presses a button. A guy dressed in some kind of uniform drops into the tank. He looks confused. Suddenly a fish twice his size swoops down and eats him.
We look up, and we can see through the ceiling. There are loads of people working on the floor above us. It's an office with a glass floor, only they can't see us. The old man has been hiring loads of foreigners (we are in Japan, right, so hiring non-Japanese). He has been hiring them to feed his fish. There are lots of people in the lobby filling in applications. Some Japanese girls are behind the desk arranging everything. The applicants can't believe their luck at being picked for such a great job.

Suddenly, I'm in the wife's closet, trying on her clothes. I've inherited the house and I'm trying to figure out what to keep and what to throw away. But, I'm feeling uneasy about inheriting this house from a psycho-path. Mark and I decide to alert the police about the fish tank, but when we go back to the main "feeding" tank, it has been dismantled. We find some glass from the tank and stick it in our pockets for "evidence."

I spent all day yesterday watching the Japan tapes. It was strange because it brought back so many memories.

I spoke with BG yesterday. He was drunk. He can't remember the $5,000 he offered for the film. He says he can give me $1,000. But maybe I'll ask him if I can shoot him instead.

Watching Tapes of Japan

I've been watching my old tapes of Japan trying to get a feel for it again. There were so many strange experiences...so many things that I'd forgotten...things on the street. I even filmed myself having a nervous breakdown...5 hours of tapes of my crying pathetically.

I could even smell it...Tokyo It was such a strange place, and I swore that I would never go back. Now I'm seriously considering it. BG has put the seed in my head.

I need money. I'm flat broke, and you can't shoot a film on that. Aronofsky had this idea of asking everyone he knew for $100 to complete Pi. He raised $3000 by doing this. I'm thinking of asking everyone I know in Japan for money to do this film. Is that a stupid idea? I need a proposal...I need to get things straight in my head about what this film is going to be about. I don't think I'll have a proper budget. I can sleep on people's floors...rummage in the trash for food. Yes, oh yes.

The tapes are...strange. Everyone was together then...Mark, Ken, Rand, Steve, Bryan, Muro, everybody else I could name. We were like a big family. Everything fell apart after I left. Well, not BECAUSE I left. I just happened to abandon the ship before it sank. I wonder what it's like there now.

The Thought did Occur to Me

I meet up with BG. He's in town from Tokyo on business. We go out for a meal and end up polishing off two bottles of wine and catch up. He's the first person from Tokyo that I've seen in London. Nobody else comes, which I can't figure out as loads of people went to London when I was in Tokyo.

Woefully drunk, we stagger back to my place to annoy my flatmate with boring stories about our Tokyo adventures. I show BG some of my films from school, and he says I should try to do something in Tokyo. Actually, I've been thinking a lot about Tokyo recently...why I left and the people that are still there. BG gossips about them, and I am intrigued.

"What if I do go back there," I say to him. "Maybe do a documentary on the people I know."

"I will give you $5,000 to shoot anything you want to in Japan," he says.

"You're drunk," I say.

After he leaves, I fall into a fitful sleep. This is what I dream about:

Patrick and I are in a car that converts into a submarine. This car/sub was built to travel to an alien city, which, for some reason, is deep beneath the ocean. Patrick and I are stowing away on the car/sub. The roof is entirely glass, but no one seems to notice that we are the only ones in the car. The engineers start to cover the car in some sort of metallic protective seal. We are supposed to start equalizing, but I can't because I have a cold. I start to panic, but Patrick tells me to relax and gives me some nasal spray. Now I can breathe fine. Suddenly, we are on the landing pad at the alien city. The aliens, who happen to look just like us, don't notice us. We are able to blend in. We go into a shop to buy sweets, and I'm trying to make myself more comfortable by chatting with the cashier. I tell her that we just got into town. She asks if we are aliens or stowaways. I say we're stowaways, but I immediately get paranoid. I look at Patrick in a panic, but he says "Be yourself, and everything will be fine."

I'm thinking that BG is right. Maybe I should shoot something in Tokyo. Maybe something about the economic hostages. That's what we used to call ourselves--"economic hostages." How arrogant is that. But I don't know anything about documentary, really. And I have to work on my graduation film. I'll have to think about it.

The next morning, my flatmate asks me what I did in Tokyo. I tell her I was a writer.

"And, how was it...your writing," she asks.

It didn't suck. I could do what I wanted. I had fans. It was kind of rock and roll.

Please, God...if I go back there...please let it be rock and roll.